AGING ROCK STAR THREATENS TO BLASTOFF INTO SPACE AFTER GOVERNMENT LETS AI STEAL HIS PIANO RIFFS
In a development that has rocked the music world harder than the time Elton John performed “Rocket Man” while dressed as an actual rocket, Sir Elton himself has declared the UK government “absolute losers” for their audacious plan to let technology companies use artists’ work without so much as a “please” or “thank you.”
THE BITCH IS BACK AND SHE’S FURIOUS
Speaking from his solid gold piano bench aboard his private jet, the 77-year-old musical knight erupted in a tirade that reportedly caused his signature glasses to temporarily levitate off his face.
“It’s a criminal f@#king offence,” Sir Elton howled to reporters, his sequined jacket flashing SOS in morse code. “These dimwits in Parliament think AI companies can just help themselves to ‘Tiny Dancer’? What’s next, letting robots wear better outfits than me? I THINK THE F@#K NOT.”
PARLIAMENT RESPONDS WITH SHRUG EMOJI
Government officials, when reached for comment, appeared unfazed by criticism from the man who wrote the soundtrack to approximately 87% of Gen X’s emotional breakdowns.
“We believe this bold new direction will stimulate innovation,” explained Lord Terrence Cashgrab, Minister for Giving Tech Companies Whatever The Hell They Want. “Besides, it’s not like musicians need money anymore. Can’t they just sell NFTs or something?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY REGRET DECISION
Dr. Melody Rights, head of the Institute for Not Letting Computers Steal Your Sh!t, called the government’s proposal “the intellectual property equivalent of letting someone borrow your toothbrush without asking.”
“What we’re seeing here,” explained Professor Copyright McObvious, “is a government so desperate to appear ‘tech-forward’ they’d probably let Mark Zuckerberg harvest their kidneys if he promised to open a data center in Slough.”
ARTIFICIAL CREATIVITY OR ARTIFICIAL BULLS#!T?
Under the proposed legislation, data-crunching thinking machines would be permitted to ingest protected works to “learn” how to create similar content, a process experts describe as “basically plagiarism but with more beeping noises.”
Studies show that 94% of AI-generated songs sound like they were written by someone who learned about human emotions from reading the back of a cereal box. Nevertheless, tech firms insist their silicon songwriters deserve unfettered access to the entire musical canon.
“Our algorithms need to study greatness to create greatness,” insisted Chad Disruptovation, CEO of MelodyMine.ai, while his laptop quietly hummed the chorus to “Candle in the Wind” in the background.
SATURDAY NIGHT’S ALRIGHT FOR FIGHTING (TECH COMPANIES)
Sir Elton reportedly plans to retaliate by training his own AI system exclusively on recordings of his most profanity-laden backstage meltdowns, creating what sources describe as “the most fabulously bitchy algorithm in existence.”
Industry insiders claim the battle could escalate further, with Paul McCartney rumored to be developing a bass-playing robot powered entirely by royalty checks, while ABBA is considering reforming specifically to write a passive-aggressive disco anthem about data harvesting.
As the controversy rages on, 73% of UK citizens admit they don’t understand AI but are “pretty sure it shouldn’t be allowed to sing ‘Rocket Man’ better than actual humans,” according to a poll conducted by people who definitely exist.
At press time, Sir Elton was reportedly considering changing his classic hit “I’m Still Standing” to “I’m Still Suing” as the battle between flamboyant piano men and soulless math machines enters its most fabulous chapter yet.
