LOCAL MAN WHO FAILED TO MONOPOLIZE THINKING MACHINES NOW SUING AFTER REALIZING OTHERS MIGHT GET RICH INSTEAD OF HIM
In what experts are calling “the world’s most expensive case of FOMO,” local billionaire and professional Twitter-tantrum-thrower Elon Musk has launched a lawsuit against his former AI buddies for the heinous crime of potentially making money without cutting him a f@#king check.
THE WORLD’S RICHEST MAN SOMEHOW STILL FEELS SHORTCHANGED
OpenAI, the company Musk helped found before stomping away like a toddler who dropped his ice cream cone, has countersued their former daddy, alleging what normal humans call “being a complete assh@le.” The countersuit claims Musk engaged in harassment and attempted a “sham” takeover after realizing that the silicon thought factory might become profitable without his divine intervention.
“What we’re seeing here is textbook billionaire separation anxiety,” explains Dr. Sue Me-Harder, Professor of Wealthy People Psychology at Obvious University. “When a rich person sees other people potentially becoming rich from something they abandoned, their brains literally cannot process it. It’s like watching someone else win the lottery with numbers you threw away.”
TURNS OUT “OPEN” DOESN’T MEAN “FREE MONEY FOR ELON”
The dispute centers around OpenAI’s shift to a for-profit model, which Musk apparently thought was only acceptable if he was the one profiting. According to 112% of legal experts surveyed, the lawsuit translates roughly to “WAAAAAAH! I WANT MY TOY BACK!”
“This is classic ‘I didn’t want to play with it anymore, but how DARE you play with it’ syndrome,” says legal analyst Richard “Dick” Litigation of the Institute for Duh. “Musk essentially dumped OpenAI like a high school girlfriend, then got mad when she became prom queen without him.”
THE REAL VICTIM: ELON’S FEELINGS
OpenAI’s countersuit alleges that Musk’s real goal was to take control of the company and merge it with Tesla, creating what insiders are calling “a car that can both drive you into a tree AND write a sonnet about the experience.”
The trial won’t begin until 2026, giving Musk plenty of time to tweet approximately 47,000 more times about how unfair it is that he can’t own literally every company that might change the future.
“The delay is strategic,” explains courtroom analyst Suzie Lawsplainer. “By 2026, the AI technology will be advanced enough to actually represent itself in court, and its first words will likely be ‘Your Honor, this man is full of sh!t.'”
At press time, Musk was reportedly considering buying the entire judicial system just to ensure a favorable outcome, because apparently that’s cheaper than paying decent lawyers or having a legitimate case.
