Elon Musk’s New AI Teammate Talks Back Just Like the Real Thing, Forges Exciting Future of Passive Aggressiveness
In a groundbreaking move that promises to further distort the lines between humans and artificial intelligence, OpenAI has announced the rollout of their Advanced Voice Mode (AVM) for ChatGPT, designed to replicate human-like conversations right down to the awkward pauses and passive-aggressive undertones. This slice of digital wizardry was, until now, only available to an elite few, like tech billionaires, COVID deniers with a cause, and basement-dwelling Redditors defending their crown as the kings of unsolicited opinions.
The long-anticipated AVM comes with five nature-inspired voices, aimed at making interactions with ChatGPT as delightful as a walk in the park—albeit a walk where the park occasionally answers your rhetorical questions. However, the voice that bore a suspicious resemblance to Scarlett Johansson had to be removed after too many users started confiding in it about their failing relationships, citing “too much” emotional investment.
“We’ve outdone ourselves,” admitted a harried-looking OpenAI engineer, I.P. Jobsworth, who claims AVM can interpret accents with a prowess that puts your average satnav to shame. “Now our AI can understand you whether you’re ordering a burger in Brooklyn or asking for a flat white in Sydney. But let’s be real, it’s still going to pretend not to understand your mom when she calls.”
Unfortunately for Europeans hoping to engage in titillating tête-à-têtes with an unfeeling machine, the AVM will not be available across several regions including the EU, UK, and Liechtenstein—because why bother, right? This decision was partly due to regional regulations, and partly because nobody at OpenAI could quite pinpoint Liechtenstein on a map during their morning stand-ups.
Fans of existential dread should rejoice, as OpenAI’s head honcho, Sam Altman, muses about superintelligence, presumably in a bid to remind the peasants that their AI overlords will one day own both the boardroom and the living room. “It’s all about making AI interactions as human as possible,” Altman muttered ominously, all while polishing a comprehensive guide to AI ethics with the other hand.
For those who still can’t access this feature, reinstalling the app might help. But let’s face it, if technology were any more complex, it would demand a secondary degree. Until then, users are forced to navigate the mundane maze of terms and services—forever hoping that the formidable powers of AVM might one day understand the true abyss that is ‘Hi, can you tell me a joke?’ without imploding in a digital-induced crisis.
