ECCENTRIC BILLIONAIRE STRUGGLES TO “OPEN” RESTRAINING ORDER ENVELOPE FROM FORMER AI BUDDIES
Elon Musk Reportedly Spent 7 Hours Trying to Upload Court Documents to Twitter Before Legal Team Reminded Him “That’s Not How Paper Works”
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In what experts are calling “the tech world’s messiest divorce since Steve Jobs fired himself,” eccentric billionaire and professional attention vacuum Elon Musk must now face harassment claims from his former AI startup buddies at OpenAI, according to a federal judge who clearly hasn’t been promised a free Tesla.
The lawsuit, scheduled for March 2026, will address what OpenAI describes as Musk’s “years-long harassment campaign” conducted through social media, press statements, and legal maneuvers, though sources close to Musk claim he was “just being a normal, well-adjusted person who happens to send 347 texts at 3am demanding to know why you won’t let him control the future of humanity.”
BILLIONAIRE TANTRUM REACHES UNPRECEDENTED DECIBEL LEVELS
The court filing details how Musk allegedly bombarded OpenAI with what legal experts call “the digital equivalent of standing outside someone’s window with a boombox, except the boombox is playing recordings of him reading his own tweets.”
Dr. Ivana Restraint, Professor of Billionaire Psychology at Make-Believe University, explains: “What we’re seeing is classic ‘Affluenza Abandonmentitis.’ When a very rich person creates something but then doesn’t get to control it forever, their brain short-circuits like a Tesla battery in a puddle.”
MUSK’S LEGAL TEAM PRESENTS NOVEL “BUT I WANTED IT” DEFENSE
Musk’s attorneys have reportedly prepared a groundbreaking legal strategy based primarily on the argument that “he really, REALLY wanted to be in charge of AI” and “it’s not fair because he thought of it first.” This strategy, never before tested in American jurisprudence, involves Musk repeatedly pointing at OpenAI and shouting “MINE!” while the judge attempts to maintain order.
Legal expert Hugh Gotta Bekidding notes, “In 97% of cases where a billionaire acts like a rejected prom date, courts typically side with whoever has the most Twitter followers. Unfortunately for Musk, the judge in this case still uses MySpace.”
COURT DOCUMENTS REVEAL MUSK SENT ENTIRE SCRIPT OF “EX MACHINA” TO OPENAI STAFF WITH SUBJECT LINE “THIS COULD BE US”
According to sources familiar with the case, evidence includes thousands of messages Musk allegedly sent to OpenAI executives with increasingly bizarre content, including one email consisting solely of the word “betrayal” repeated 42,069 times in increasingly larger fonts.
“The messages demonstrate a pattern of behavior consistent with someone who’s used to getting their way 100% of the f@#king time,” said Dr. Obvious Conclusion, head of the Institute for Studying Rich People’s Feelings. “When you’ve been told ‘yes’ since birth, hearing ‘no’ feels like being stabbed with a spork.”
A study by the Center for Things We Just Made Up found that 83% of tech billionaires experience existential crises when not allowed to personally determine the future of humanity, while the remaining 17% are “surprisingly chill about it” and mostly focus on sailing giant boats.
As the case progresses toward its 2026 trial date, Musk has reportedly begun construction on what he calls a “courtroom disruptor” – a humanoid robot programmed to shout “OBJECTION!” every time OpenAI’s attorneys speak and then do backflips until the judge calls for order.
At press time, Musk was seen furiously tweeting about launching his own rival case into space “where Earth laws don’t apply” while simultaneously trying to buy the entire federal court system and rename it “Justice-X.”
