ELON MUSK’S AI COMPANY GIVEN PERMISSION TO FART DIRECTLY INTO BLACK NEIGHBORHOODS
In a move shocking absolutely no one with more than three functioning brain cells, billionaire attention-vacuum Elon Musk has secured permission to pump methane gas into predominantly Black Memphis neighborhoods, because apparently regular ol’ pollution wasn’t f@#king insulting enough.
THE LATEST INNOVATION IN ENVIRONMENTAL RACISM
Late Wednesday, the Memphis County Health Department, apparently staffed exclusively by people who hate breathing, approved xAI’s request to install 15 methane gas generators in its new datacenter. The decision marks what experts are calling “the most efficient way to simultaneously destroy the environment and be racist as sh!t.”
“What Musk has accomplished here is truly groundbreaking,” explained Dr. Obvious Prejudice, Professor of Billionaire A$$holery at the University of Duh. “Most companies have to choose between poisoning the planet OR perpetuating systemic racism. Musk found a way to do both while training computers to eventually replace us all. It’s a triple threat!”
LOCAL RESIDENTS SOMEHOW NOT THRILLED ABOUT BREATHING FART GAS
KeShaun Pearson, director of Memphis Community Against Pollution, expressed concerns that local leaders were failing to protect residents from corporate pollution, a statement that ranks roughly 8.7 on the No Sh!t Scale.
“We’ve tried explaining to officials that breathing isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity,” said one resident who wished to remain anonymous because “Musk might buy Twitter again and come for me personally.”
MUSKONOMICS 101: WHY POISON POOR NEIGHBORHOODS?
According to absolutely made-up statistics that nonetheless feel correct, wealthy neighborhoods reject toxic infrastructure proposals at a rate 97% higher than communities of color, primarily because rich people have access to things like “lawyers” and “politicians who return their calls.”
Industry analyst Emma Ronnment-Matters noted, “Memphis’s Black residents have historically dealt with pollution because that’s literally how environmental racism works, but Musk has innovated by adding the spicy new element of training silicon brainboxes while simultaneously gassing the community. Vertical integration at its finest!”
THE METHANE-TO-MEME PIPELINE
When reached for comment, a spokesperson for xAI who definitely exists explained: “These generators are absolutely essential for our work teaching computers to post memes that 14-year-old boys find hilarious and 41-year-old billionaires find profound.”
Sources close to the project reveal the methane will power computers designed primarily to generate increasingly unhinged tweets and determine exactly how many children Musk should father before humanity collectively says “please stop.”
Dr. Ima Scientist, who holds a PhD in Things That Are Obviously Terrible, explained that the generators will emit approximately “a metric f@#k-ton” of pollutants directly into communities already suffering from environmental health disparities.
“It’s like if Captain Planet villains had a baby with redlining,” she explained.
CONCLUSION: THE FUTURE SMELLS LIKE CRAP, LITERALLY
As Memphis residents prepare for their new gas-powered silicon overlords, local officials have reportedly promised to “look into the situation” sometime between “never” and “when hell freezes over.”
Meanwhile, Musk has allegedly already begun work on his next revolutionary project: figuring out how to harness the power of eye-rolls generated every time he tweets to power his next environmentally devastating venture.
