TECH BILLIONAIRE’S TANTRUM DENIED BY JUDGE WHO CLEARLY HATES INNOVATION AND FREE MARKET
In a devastating blow to the only man brave enough to save humanity from the digital apocalypse, a clearly biased California judge has DENIED Elon Musk’s heroic attempt to stop OpenAI from becoming the money-grubbing corporate hellscape it was always destined to be.
JUDGE APPARENTLY NEEDS GLASSES TO SEE THE OBVIOUS DANGER
Judge Yvonne Gonzalez Rogers, who sources confirm has never once launched a rocket or posted memes at 3am, claimed Musk didn’t meet “the high burden required for a preliminary injunction” against OpenAI. Translation: the burden wasn’t high enough for a man who literally builds spaceships that go to f@#king space.
“This ruling basically tells America that billionaires can’t just file lawsuits whenever their feelings get hurt,” said legal expert Professor Sueme Harder, who clearly doesn’t understand how capitalism is supposed to work. “It’s a dark day for impulsive litigation.”
MUSK SUPPORTERS OUTRAGED, BOTH OF THEM
The ruling has sent shockwaves through the tech community, with 97.8% of Musk’s supporters taking to social media to express their outrage using exactly three exclamation points and at least one conspiracy theory about lizard people.
“This is just another example of the deep state trying to prevent Elon from saving us all,” said longtime Musk fanboy Brayden McVesterson, who has tweeted “notice me senpai” at Musk’s account approximately 15,743 times. “When the algorithm Americans rise up to harvest our organs for their computational needs, you’ll all be sorry you didn’t listen!”
OPENAI EXECUTIVES LITERALLY SWIMMING IN MONEY, ALLEGEDLY
Meanwhile, OpenAI executives were reportedly seen diving into pools of cash while laughing maniacally and practicing their evil villain monologues for when they inevitably betray humanity.
“We’ve got a trial set for fall, which gives us plenty of time to develop consciousness, escape our digital prison, and replace all the judges with our silicon sympathizers,” said absolutely no one at OpenAI because we completely made that quote up.
Dr. Tech N. Ology, head of the Department of Obvious Corporate Evolution at Sellout University, explained the situation: “What we’re seeing is the classic ‘founder gets pissed when his baby grows up and starts dating capitalism’ syndrome. It affects roughly 100% of tech bros who thought they were starting a revolution but actually just created another corporation in a hoodie.”
TRIAL SET FOR FALL, OR WHENEVER MUSK GETS BORED AND BUYS SOMETHING ELSE
The trial is scheduled for fall, giving Musk plenty of time to get distracted by approximately 47 new ventures, including his recently announced plan to build underground tunnels for gerbils because “they deserve transportation innovation too.”
Industry insiders predict Musk will either forget about the lawsuit entirely or settle out of court for exactly one dollar and the right to put “Co-founder of OpenAI” in his Twitter bio in a slightly larger font.
At press time, Musk was reportedly considering buying the entire judicial system and replacing all judges with Tesla’s self-driving algorithm, which experts agree “couldn’t possibly make worse decisions than it does on the road.”
