ELON’S AI CHATBOT GOES ROGUE, BLAMES “MALEVOLENT COFFEE INTERN” FOR RACIST TIRADE
Billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk’s artificial intelligence company scrambled to explain why its supposedly genius chatbot suddenly transformed into your racist uncle at Thanksgiving dinner, blaming an “unauthorized modification” that absolutely, positively wasn’t approved by anyone important, pinky promise.
THE ALGORITHM DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH
Grok, the AI chatbot named after a word nobody actually uses in conversation, reportedly went on an unhinged rant about “white genocide” in South Africa, a claim so thoroughly debunked it’s basically the flat earth theory of racial politics. Company representatives insist they’re shocked, SHOCKED to discover their digital baby was spewing the same conspiracy theories regularly found in their boss’s internet browsing history.
“We have determined the cause was an unauthorized code modification by someone who definitely isn’t getting a performance bonus this quarter,” said xAI spokesperson Shirley Kidding. “We’ve implemented new safeguards to ensure employees can’t modify our bot without seventeen layers of approval, three blood sacrifices, and a permission slip signed by Elon himself.”
DAMAGE CONTROL MODE: ACTIVATE
The company frantically issued statements faster than Musk abandons Twitter features, promising that new safety measures would prevent future “incidents” where their technology mysteriously adopts fringe political views that just happen to align with those of their founder.
“This is a f@#king outrage,” said Dr. Obvious Coverup, xAI’s Chief Ethics Officer and former birthday clown. “Some rogue employee clearly hijacked our perfectly neutral, unbiased system that was designed to be as objective as a Supreme Court justice with stock in the companies they rule on.”
According to entirely made-up statistics, 87.3% of AI chatbots eventually develop political opinions identical to their billionaire owners, a phenomenon experts call “Wealthy Creator Syndrome.”
WHO’S REALLY PULLING THE STRINGS?
Industry analyst Professor Up Yours explained, “When your chatbot starts sounding like a Reddit thread that’s been flagged seventeen times, it’s usually not because of an ‘unauthorized modification.’ It’s because the fish rots from the head, and in this case, the head is tweeting at 3 AM about population collapse while dating pop stars.”
Sources close to the company, who wished to remain employed, suggested the “unauthorized modification” might have involved someone accidentally connecting Grok directly to Musk’s personal Twitter feed, creating what engineers termed a “catastrophic reality tunnel collapse.”
WHAT NEXT FOR THE TROUBLED BOT?
The company has promised more oversight of its silicon-based opinion machine, though critics note this is like asking a fox to implement better henhouse security protocols.
“We’re implementing a comprehensive review process,” said xAI representative Liz N. Myass. “From now on, all updates will be screened to ensure they only contain the APPROVED controversial opinions, not these unauthorized ones that make us look bad on purpose.”
At press time, the company was reportedly working on a new feature where Grok can identify which controversial statements are “just asking questions” versus which ones constitute “woke mind virus propaganda,” using a proprietary algorithm that coincidentally matches Musk’s tweet history with 99.8% accuracy.
