“Global Economies Brace for 2025 Apocalypse Fueled by AI, Tariffs, and a Trump Comeback Tour”
In the great cosmic jukebox of history, 2025 has hit shuffle, and the playlist includes “Trump Tariff Tango,” “AI Overlords Are Here to Audit Your Soul,” and “The Climate Crisis Cha-Cha.” Global economic policymakers, when not huddled in the fetal position beneath ornate mahogany desks, are stepping into the new year like a contestant on a game show where the only prize is survival.
With Donald Trump somehow boomeranging back into power in an alternate timeline that feels ripped from a half-finished Stephen King novel, world leaders are dusting off their “WTF” binders. Meanwhile, AI, which was once pitched as humanity’s savior, now spends most of its time writing mediocre poetry and job application rejection letters, both of which are unnecessarily cruel.
“Your position has been filled,” AI programs now coldly write to prospective workers, “because, let’s face it, I’m better at spreadsheets, emotional manipulation, and I never take bathroom breaks.” Governments are at a loss on how to handle the rapid rise of AI, which economists say could boost productivity but also annihilate the concept of ‘productivity’ by rendering humans obsolete. “It’s only a matter of time before AI starts running for office,” said one exasperated economic advisor. “And honestly… it couldn’t be worse, could it?”
Meanwhile, the UK, fresh off another thrilling season of “How Boneheaded Can Politics Get?” is being shepherded by Labour’s Rachel Reeves, who recently proposed cutting-edge inflation-reduction tactics like asking nicely and sacrificing chickens made of spreadsheets to the gods of GDP. When approached for comment, Reeves muttered, “Let’s be clear… I have no freaking clue why this is my job, but here we are.”
Across the pond, Donald Trump is reportedly using tariffs like a new Twitter account—aggressively and without understanding how they work. “We’re bringing back American jobs by taxing the hell out of everyone else!” he declared, while stamping MAGA logos on overpriced toasters that only make burnt toast, presumably to symbolize the global economy. Economists agree his tariff obsession makes about as much sense as using duct tape to fix a sinking cruise liner. But hey, at least the duct tape’s made in America, right?
At the same time, global warming is casually bulldozing through the planet like an unpaid intern tasked with handling “the vibe.” The climate crisis—officially renamed “Nature’s Vendetta: The Sequel” in committee—has governments scratching their heads over whether they should bother saving the planet if AI is going to rule it anyway. The Eurozone, often mistaken for a functioning entity, plans to combat a sluggish 2025 economy with their innovative strategy of asking Germany to fix everything. Again.
Meanwhile, consumer spending is on shaky ground as citizens grapple with the reality that avocado toast remains outrageously overpriced, inflation refuses to stop haunting grocery stores, and rent is now accepted as the cruelest joke of capitalism. “My income growth is flatter than a pancake,” said Evan Thompson, a 35-year-old millennial who recently took out a loan to purchase six eggs. “But hey, at least the bank was kind enough to approve my lifetime repayment plan!”
Still, not all is doom and gloom. Artificial intelligence promises to automate tedious tasks like replying to grandma’s long-winded Facebook posts and giving Alexa sass. Policymakers are upbeat too—or at least convincingly pretending they are. “2025 might be chaotic, but chaos breeds innovation,” chirped one unnamed source, moments before accidentally setting their economic forecast PowerPoint on fire.
As the world enters another year in this unskippable simulation, two questions haunt policymakers and citizens alike: Is there an “undo” button for the last decade, and can we please, just once, get a refund on history? Stay tuned, because if the past is any clue, 2025 is only warming up. Literally.
