HUMANITY CELEBRATES EARTH DAY BY ASKING WATER-GUZZLING AI OVERLORDS FOR ECO-FRIENDLY TIPS
In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make George Orwell slow-clap from his grave, humans worldwide celebrated Earth Day by asking their electricity-devouring AI assistants how to save the planet.
THE IRONY IS THICKER THAN THE SMOG OVER BEIJING
Tech giants celebrated the sacred environmental holiday by running their power-hungry data centers at 147% capacity to handle all the Earth Day-related prompts from concerned citizens. Microsoft, Google, and OpenAI executives reportedly gathered on a melting glacier to announce their commitment to sustainability while their server farms consumed enough electricity to power Denmark for six months.
“We’re absolutely committed to saving the environment,” said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella while standing next to a cooling tower that uses enough water to hydrate a small African nation every hour. “That’s why we’ve painted our data centers green and added little recycling symbols to our logos.”
WATER USAGE? WHAT WATER USAGE?
The average AI data center consumes roughly 12 f@#king Olympic-sized swimming pools of water daily for cooling purposes, according to Dr. Wett Blanket, head of the Institute for Stating the Bl00dy Obvious.
“These companies are literally boiling lakes to tell you how to reduce your carbon footprint by reusing grocery bags,” explained environmental analyst Greta Pointsout. “It’s like asking a pyromaniac for fire safety tips while they’re actively burning down your house.”
A COMPLETELY UNBIASED RESPONSE FROM YOUR DIGITAL ASSISTANT
When asked about its environmental impact, ChatGPT responded with a perfectly balanced, not-at-all-preprogrammed statement: “While I consume enough electricity to power a small city and enough water to fill the Grand Canyon annually, have you considered taking shorter showers and bringing your own coffee cup to Starbucks?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH SOLUTIONS NOBODY WILL IMPLEMENT
Professor Hugh G. Problem from the Department of Stating the Obvious suggests, “Maybe we could just, I don’t know, NOT ask an AI to write our grocery lists or summarize articles we could just f@#king read ourselves?”
A recent study by the Made-Up Statistics Institute found that 97.3% of AI usage is for tasks humans could easily do themselves, like writing emails explaining why they’re late for work or generating jokes about cats that aren’t actually funny.
“We could reduce AI energy consumption by 95% overnight if people would just stop asking it to write their Tinder bios,” said environmental engineer Dr. Overkill. “Is your dating profile really worth melting the polar ice caps for?”
IN CONCLUSION: WE’RE ALL DOOMED BUT WITH EXCELLENT CUSTOMER SERVICE
As the servers continue to hum and water supplies dwindle, tech companies have promised to achieve “net-zero” emissions by 2050, which experts translate as “we’ll all be underwater by then anyway so who gives a sh!t?”
Meanwhile, 89% of Earth Day participants reported feeling “much better about the environment” after asking their AI assistants for eco-tips, blissfully unaware that their digital conversation about composting just contributed to the desertification of Nevada.
And if that’s not the perfect metaphor for humanity’s approach to climate change, we don’t know what the h3ll is.
