LANGUAGE APP FIRES HUMAN TEACHERS, REPLACES THEM WITH GREEN OWL’S ROBOT ARMY THAT DEFINITELY WON’T JUDGE YOUR TERRIBLE ACCENT
Duolingo announced today that it’s firing all its human contractors and replacing them with emotionless code that won’t laugh at how badly you butcher “where is the bathroom” in Spanish.
HUMANS TOO INEFFICIENT AT CRUSHING DREAMS
The language learning platform, famous for its passive-aggressive push notifications and borderline hostage situation marketing tactics, has decided that humans are simply too inefficient at making users feel inadequate about their language skills.
“We’ve found that humans occasionally show empathy, which is counterproductive to our business model of guilt-tripping users into maintaining their streaks,” said CEO Luis von Ahn while stroking a stuffed green owl. “Our algorithm Americans can deliver shame with 300% more efficiency.”
The company insists this move to become “AI-first” isn’t about replacing employees with AI, in the same way that replacing all the water in your swimming pool with acid isn’t about removing the water.
“We care deeply about our employees,” von Ahn stated, while a PowerPoint slide behind him displayed “CARING DEEPLY ABOUT EMPLOYEES” with a pie chart showing 2% actual caring and 98% saying we care in press releases.
IMPRISONED OWL FINALLY BREAKS FREE FROM HUMAN HANDLERS
Industry expert Dr. Unemployed Soon told AI Antics, “This is f@#king brilliant actually. Why pay humans living wages when you can have digital servants who don’t need healthcare, bathroom breaks, or therapy after being forced to listen to thousands of Americans butchering the French ‘r’ sound?”
According to an internal memo leaked to AI Antics, the decision came after discovering that 87% of users couldn’t tell the difference between AI feedback and human feedback, while the remaining 13% actually preferred the AI because “it judged them less harshly for still not knowing basic greetings after six months.”
The company plans to redirect the money saved from human salaries toward developing more psychologically manipulative notifications. Sources suggest they’re testing messages like “Your French crush just checked your profile and is LAUGHING at your streak count” and “Your grandmother’s ghost is disappointed you haven’t practiced today.”
EXPERTS QUESTION IF MACHINES CAN PROPERLY CONVEY DISAPPOINTMENT
Professor Imma Skeptic from the Institute of Digital Ethics expressed concerns: “While machines can technically correct grammar, can they really replicate the unique experience of having a tired, underpaid contractor sigh deeply at your inability to distinguish between ‘their’, ‘there’, and ‘they’re’?”
Duolingo has assured users that the AI will be programmed to randomly ghost them mid-lesson just like human tutors sometimes do, for authenticity purposes.
At press time, 78% of Duolingo’s remaining human employees were reportedly learning “please don’t fire me” in multiple languages through a competitor’s app.
