HUMANITY DOOMED AS 160+ COUNTRIES DISCOVER THEY’RE TRAPPED IN DIGITAL STONE AGE, MUST SEND SMOKE SIGNALS TO CHAT WITH ROBOTS
OUTER TECHNOLOGY WASTELAND (Formerly Known As “Most Of Earth”) – In a shocking revelation that has sent shockwaves through the international community, approximately 85% of countries discovered this week that they’re basically living in the f@#king Dark Ages when it comes to artificial intelligence capability.
NATIONS WITHOUT AI CENTERS FORCED TO USE CARRIER PIGEONS TO ACCESS CHATGPT
A devastating new report confirms only 32 countries currently host AI data centers, leaving the vast majority of the planet’s nations stranded in a technological hellscape where they must apparently communicate with intelligent machines via Morse code and interpretive dance.
“It’s a catastrophic disparity,” explains Dr. Hugh Mungus Gap, Professor of Obvious Global Inequality at the Institute for Pointing Out Sh!t We Already Knew. “While Americans debate whether their toaster should have feelings, entire continents are still explaining to their citizens what a computer is.”
WEALTHY TECH BROS HOARD AI LIKE TOILET PAPER IN PANDEMIC
The United States and China have established themselves as the unquestioned overlords of the silicon thinking revolution, constructing massive warehouses filled with what experts describe as “fancy electricity boxes that make words go brrr.” Meanwhile, countries across Africa and South America are reportedly still trying to figure out if dial-up internet is supposed to make that screeching sound.
“We’ve calculated that at current rates of technology distribution, countries like Chad will develop their first AI capabilities approximately three weeks after the heat death of the universe,” said Statistician Sandy Made-Upington, who generated her figures by asking her digital assistant eight times before giving up and guessing.
EXCLUSIVE: REMOTE VILLAGE MISTAKES CALCULATOR FOR AI, ELECTED IT MAYOR
In one particularly tragic case, a remote village reportedly worshipped a TI-84 calculator as an omniscient deity after a visiting American student left it behind. The calculator has since been appointed to several governmental positions and is credited with balancing the village budget through a revolutionary approach of “displaying error messages whenever someone asks about public funds.”
Tech giants appear largely unconcerned about the growing divide. When reached for comment, Silicon Valley CEO Blake Moneystack responded, “Wait, there are countries outside America? Like, with people in them? That’s wild, man.”
SOLUTIONS INCLUDE STRAPPING HARD DRIVES TO MIGRATING BIRDS
Experts suggest several potential solutions to bridge the technological divide, including an ambitious program to attach USB drives to migratory birds and teaching children in developing nations to speak in binary code from birth.
“The quickest fix would be for these countries to immediately discover massive oil reserves or rare earth minerals,” suggests Economics Professor Warren Peace. “Nothing incentivizes technological investment like resources we can extract while pretending to care about local development.”
At press time, reports indicated that 94% of Americans couldn’t locate any of the 160+ digitally disadvantaged countries on a map, but 100% had strong opinions about their internet policies anyway.
