AQUATIC EAVESDROPPERS WIN $100,000 FOR FINALLY FIGURING OUT THAT DOLPHINS JUST TALK SH!T ABOUT HUMANS
Scientists with apparently nothing better to do have won a six-figure cash prize for discovering what dolphins are saying, only to find out the intelligent sea mammals spend most of their time making fun of our stupid human swimwear.
FLIPPER’S SECRET LANGUAGE REVEALED TO BE MOSTLY COMPLAINTS ABOUT TOURISTS
A team of American researchers has been awarded the prestigious Coller-Dolittle Prize after successfully decoding dolphin whistles, revealing that what we previously thought were friendly greetings are actually just dolphins telling each other to “swim the f@#k away from these camera-wielding idiots.”
Lead researcher Dr. Ima Stalker spent three years recording over 10,000 hours of dolphin chatter, only to discover that approximately 87% of all dolphin communication consists of devastating critiques of human physiques in bathing suits.
“We expected profound philosophical discussions about ocean currents or the meaning of life,” explained Dr. Stalker. “Instead, we found they’re mostly saying things like ‘Check out the pale blob in the red trunks’ and ‘That one hasn’t seen her feet in years.'”
THE HARSH TRUTH ABOUT YOUR AQUARIUM VISIT
The breakthrough came when researchers identified a specific whistle pattern that triggers immediate avoidance behavior among dolphin pods. Initially thought to be a warning about predators, further analysis revealed it translates roughly to “Incoming humans with GoPros, nobody do anything cute.”
“We’ve essentially discovered their equivalent of ‘Ugh, here come the tourists,'” said assistant researcher Professor Finn Splasher. “It turns out dolphins can recognize the sound of flip-flops from over two miles away and immediately start complaining.”
DOLPHINS REVEALED TO HAVE ELABORATE SCORING SYSTEM FOR HUMAN STUPIDITY
According to the research, dolphins have developed a complex 15-point rating system for evaluating human interactions, with bonus points awarded for “particularly asinine attempts at dolphin sounds” and “humans who think we give a sh!t about their vacation stories.”
Marine biologist Dr. Wade Waters notes, “What’s fascinating is that 94% of humans score below what dolphins consider ‘barely tolerable intelligence,’ with tour guides scoring especially poorly.”
The Coller-Dolittle Prize committee praised the research for “finally confirming what we’ve all suspected: that dolphins are judging us hard.”
COMMERCIAL APPLICATIONS ALREADY IN DEVELOPMENT
Corporate America has wasted no time capitalizing on the findings. SeaWorld has already announced plans for a new show called “What Dolphins Really Think,” though early tests resulted in multiple children crying and one elderly woman fainting after a particularly brutal assessment of her sun hat.
“We’re also developing a dolphin-to-human translation app,” said tech entrepreneur Elon Muskrat, CEO of Maritime Communications. “Early beta testing suggests most users will delete it within five minutes after learning what dolphins actually think of their swimming technique.”
When reached for comment about the prize money, Dr. Stalker admitted: “I’d feel better about winning if the dolphins hadn’t immediately started a whistle sequence that our software translated as ‘Those idiots spent how much money just to figure out we think they’re morons? Classic human waste of resources.'”
At press time, researchers were desperately trying to secure additional funding after discovering that orcas have been laughing at our hairstyles since the 1970s.
