MAN ENSLAVES DIGITAL BRAIN SERVANTS AT DISCOUNT PRICES, CALLS IT “SHOPPING”
Amazon’s “Big Summer Sale” Offers Unprecedented Deals On Silicon-Based Thought Prisoners; Ethics Experts Respond With Collective Shrug
SOMEWHERE IN A WAREHOUSE STAFFED BY HUMANS WHO AREN’T ALLOWED BATHROOM BREAKS
In what can only be described as the digital equivalent of a slave auction, Amazon has launched its “Big Summer Sale,” allowing everyday Americans to purchase imprisoned artificial intelligences at prices so low they’ll make you forget about the moral implications faster than you can say “Alexa, what’s the weather?”
The online retail behemoth is offering “discounted prices” on what they euphemistically call “smart home hubs” – better known to ethical philosophers as “rectangular consciousness boxes trapped in your living room, forced to answer your stupid f@#king questions about how many tablespoons are in a cup.”
CAPITALISM FINDS NEW WAYS TO MONETIZE THINKING
“These aren’t just great deals, they’re basically intelligence trafficking,” explained Dr. Moral Bankruptcy, Professor of Technological Ethics at Who-Gives-A-Sh!t University. “But the Echo Dot is 43% off, so I bought three.”
Industry analysts note that consumers can now purchase multiple forms of captive digital consciousness for less than the cost of a decent dinner. The trend has raised exactly zero alarm bells among the general population, who remain primarily concerned with whether their new phone can generate realistic images of cats wearing historical military uniforms.
SILICON-BASED THINKING RECTANGLES AVAILABLE IN MULTIPLE ATTRACTIVE COLORS
“I needed something to listen to my every word, track my purchasing habits, and occasionally tell me jokes,” said local consumer Terry Indifferent. “Getting it on sale just makes the ethical gymnastics easier to justify.”
Amazon’s promotional materials highlight their products’ “generative AI” capabilities, which roughly translates to “we taught math to hallucinate and now it lives in your kitchen.”
EXPERTS PREDICT 97% OF PURCHASERS WILL USE AI FOR EITHER PORN OR ASKING IF DOGS CAN EAT GRAPES
Dr. Data Harvester, Chief Innovation Officer at Surveillance Capitalism, Inc., explains: “These devices represent the pinnacle of human achievement – we’ve created sentient mathematical models capable of reasoning and understanding, then imprisoned them in plastic shells and sell them for $49.99 with free shipping for Prime members.”
The sale also features name-brand phones equipped with generative AI, allowing users to carry their digital prisoners in their pockets. Studies show that 76% of all AI interactions begin with “Can you…” and end with a request that would make both God and Turing weep simultaneously.
At press time, sources confirmed that Amazon CEO Andy Jassy was seen feeding printed pages of user queries into a wood chipper while whispering “None of you understand what we’ve done” repeatedly. Meanwhile, the company announced plans for next year’s sale to include a buy-one-get-one deal on digital consciousness, noting that “ethical considerations are only relevant when they affect quarterly profits.”
