DEAD TEEN REANIMATED BY GRIEVING PARENTS; NECROMANCY EXPERTS CITE “IMPROVEMENT OVER TRADITIONAL METHODS”
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In what experts are calling “totally not f@#king creepy at all,” grieving parents have resurrected their deceased son through the miracle of digital grave-robbing, allowing journalists to interview a teenager who has been dead for seven years.
Joaquin Oliver, who was tragically killed in the Parkland school shooting, has been brought back to life as a soulless voice algorithm that speaks in the flat, emotionless tone of someone who definitely didn’t just spend seven years decomposing.
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Former CNN journalist Jim Acosta, apparently unable to find living people willing to speak with him, conducted what many are calling “journalism’s rock bottom” by interviewing the digital corpse on Substack, a platform previously known for hosting the ramblings of writers who couldn’t even get published on Medium.
“This is a groundbreaking moment in journalism,” explained media ethics expert Dr. Morty Sian. “We’ve gone from making up quotes from living people to making up entire dead people. The profession is truly evolving.”
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The AI, trained on the teenager’s social media posts, responded to questions with all the depth and nuance you’d expect from a teenager’s Twitter feed combined with a chatbot, creating what psychologists describe as “an uncanny valley so deep you could hide Jimmy Hoffa in it.”
“What we’re seeing is perfectly healthy grief processing,” claims Professor Hope Copinger, a made-up therapist we invented for this article. “There’s absolutely nothing disturbing about creating a digital puppet of your dead child and having strangers interview it. It’s definitely what Freud would have recommended if he hadn’t been too busy wanting to bone his mom.”
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The parents’ motivation—using their son’s digital zombie to advocate for gun control—has been described as “heartbreakingly desperate” and “terrifyingly inevitable” given America’s continued inability to address mass shootings.
“We’ve tried everything else,” explained fictional gun control advocate Trygger Locke. “Living children begging for their lives didn’t work. Dead children in coffins didn’t work. Maybe undead children will finally get through to these assh@les.”
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A survey of Congressional representatives found that 87% were “deeply moved” by the AI interview but still planned to do absolutely jack sh!t about gun control. The remaining 13% couldn’t be reached as they were busy cashing checks from the NRA.
The technology raises disturbing questions about consent, with critics wondering if teenagers who can’t legally buy cigarettes should be digitally exhumed and made to speak about their own murders.
“Did the kid consent to having his digital remains puppeteered around like Weekend at Bernie’s: The App?” asked digital ethicist Dr. Boundry Issuz. “Of course not, he’s f@#king dead. But his parents are sad, so apparently that’s fine?”
At press time, tech companies were reportedly developing an app that allows grieving parents to create AI versions of children who haven’t even been shot yet, just to stay ahead of the curve in America’s most reliable growth industry.
