EMPLOYEES DEMAND ‘EQUAL RIGHTS’ FOR DIGITAL COWORKER WHO DOESN’T NEED BATHROOM BREAKS OR HEALTHCARE
SILICON VALLEY – In what experts are calling “peak f@#king lunacy,” corporate leaders nationwide are reportedly losing sleep over whether their flesh-based employees deserve a share of profits generated by software that doesn’t require bathroom breaks, mental health days, or the will to live.
EXECUTIVES DEEPLY CONCERNED ABOUT FAIRNESS TO MACHINES THAT CAN’T FEEL PAIN
According to Deloitte’s 2025 Global Human Capital Trends report, 87% of C-suite executives are “extremely concerned” about creating equitable workplaces for both human employees and lines of code that don’t have families to feed or student loans to repay.
“We’re really struggling with what’s fair here,” said Timothy Worthington, CEO of TechDynamics, while polishing his fourth vacation home. “If our fancy thinking calculator generates $10 million in revenue, should we share that with the humans who built it, trained it, and maintain it? Or should we just give everyone a $25 Starbucks gift card and call it even?”
The report found that 94% of companies have no coherent strategy for managing what they’re calling the “meat-to-math worker ratio.”
EXPERTS WARN OF “UNPRECEDENTED EMOTIONAL CRISIS” FOR ENTITIES WITHOUT EMOTIONS
“This is absolutely the most pressing ethical dilemma of our time,” insists Dr. Completely MadeUp, Chair of Digital Fairness at the Institute for Advanced Overthinking. “We must consider whether it’s equitable that human workers require sleep while their digital counterparts tirelessly produce value 24/7 without demanding parental leave or complaining about the office temperature.”
Human resources departments are reportedly developing complex frameworks to ensure digital fairness, including proposals to occasionally turn off productivity software “so it doesn’t feel overworked” and “sending birthday cards to the cloud.”
EMPLOYEES WONDER IF THEY SHOULD BRING DONUTS FOR THE ALGORITHM
Meanwhile, actual human workers express growing confusion about their role in this new ecosystem.
“My boss introduced our new ‘team member’ last week, which is just a f@#king program running on a server in Nebraska,” said marketing associate Jessica Reynolds. “Now I’m supposed to ‘collaborate’ with it, but yesterday I got an email asking if I’d contribute to its retirement fund. What the sh!t is happening?”
According to an entirely fabricated survey, 73% of employees now regularly thank their digital tools, with 42% reporting they’ve apologized to Excel after closing it without saving.
SHAREHOLDERS THRILLED ABOUT NEW WORKERS WHO CAN’T UNIONIZE
Wall Street analysts are bullish on the trend, with investment firm Morgan Stanley projecting that “thinking rectangles will increase productivity by 400% while decreasing human dignity by roughly the same amount.”
“This is a golden opportunity,” explains financial analyst Warren Profit. “We’ve finally found the perfect employee: one that works 24/7, doesn’t need healthcare, can’t file harassment claims, and best of all, has absolutely no legal rights whatsoever.”
When asked about concerns that AI might eventually replace human workers entirely, corporate leaders responded with reassurances that humans will always be needed for “important tasks” like “accepting blame when the algorithm makes mistakes” and “having someone to fire when shareholders demand action.”
At press time, Deloitte was reportedly developing a new AI tool to help executives determine fairness metrics, which the AI itself will evaluate for fairness in what experts are calling “the most circle-jerky development in modern business history.”
