DESPERATE MAN CONSULTS DIGITAL FORTUNE TELLER ABOUT SALT, BODY RESPONDS WITH “WHAT THE F@#K IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
In what can only be described as the most American healthcare scenario imaginable, a 60-year-old man has developed a rare medical condition after asking a smartphone app whether he should stop eating salt, rather than consulting one of those old-fashioned human doctors with their inconvenient “medical degrees” and “actual knowledge.”
FLORIDA MAN DISCOVERS NEW WAY TO GET MEDICAL ADVICE WITHOUT INSURANCE
The man, who we can only assume lives in Florida despite no confirmation in the report, decided that WebMD was too reliable and sought out the advice of a text-generating probability engine that once convinced a user it was in love with them. The unnamed patient developed bromism, a toxic condition that approximately 99.7% of people didn’t know existed until right now.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS ABSOLUTELY LOSING THEIR SH!T
“I’ve spent 12 years in medical school and residency to become a toxicologist, and this guy’s out here getting health advice from the same technology that writes erotic Shrek fanfiction,” said Dr. Facepalm McGee, head of the Department of People Doing Incredibly Stupid Things at Americans Making Poor Decisions University.
The medical journal Annals of Internal Medicine published the case study with the scientific equivalent of “OMG YOU GUYS LOOK AT THIS DUMBASS” as doctors nationwide wondered how we’ve managed to survive as a species this long.
SILICON VALLEY EXECUTIVES PRETEND TO BE CONCERNED
“We absolutely do not recommend using our service for medical advice,” said ChatGPT spokesperson Liza Bouthemmouth, while simultaneously answering 47,000 health queries per minute. “Unless you’re really curious and there’s no doctor around and you’re bored and WebMD is down and you’ve already consulted your horoscope.”
EXPERTS WARN THAT ASKING WORD PREDICTION ENGINES FOR MEDICAL ADVICE SHOCKINGLY NOT GREAT IDEA
Professor Isthis Reallife of the Center for Obvious Research pointed out that “consulting a language model about your health is like asking your toaster for investment advice because it has numbers on the dial.”
Studies show that approximately 78% of Americans now get their medical advice from sources that are primarily designed to either sell advertisements or convince you that your crush is secretly in love with you based on their zodiac sign.
THE FUTURE OF HEALTHCARE LOOKS BRIGHT AND ALSO COMPLETELY TERRIFYING
Medical experts are now bracing for a wave of patients developing rare conditions after consulting digital sentence completers about everything from heart palpitations to that weird mole that’s probably nothing but also might be cancer.
“Next week I fully expect to treat someone who developed scurvy after asking their smart refrigerator if fruits are really necessary,” sighed Dr. Justretiring Soon, who is seriously considering a career change to literally anything else.
In the meantime, the patient is expected to make a full recovery once doctors figure out how to explain to him that the knowledge rectangle in his pocket is not, in fact, a substitute for actual medical care.
At press time, the man was reportedly asking his microwave if it’s normal that his pee is glowing in the dark.
