TECH PEASANTS FINALLY ALLOWED TO OWN MICROSCOPIC PORTION OF THE DIGITAL OVERLORDS HARVESTING THEIR SOULS
In a groundbreaking achievement for digital feudalism, startup Vana is generously allowing the unwashed masses to “own” tiny slices of the AI models that will eventually replace them at their jobs.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU NOW OWN 0.00000002% OF YOUR OWN EXPLOITATION
“We’re revolutionizing the industry by letting people participate in their own data harvesting,” explained Vana co-founder Anna Kazlauskas, while not mentioning that this is basically like letting chickens own shares in KFC. “It’s not exploitation if we give you a fraction of a penny for your entire digital existence!”
The company has successfully convinced over a million people that uploading their most intimate data is somehow going to make them the next Warren Buffett, rather than just another sucker in the latest Silicon Valley Ponzi scheme.
BLOCKCHAIN-POWERED BS SOMEHOW SOUNDS LEGITIMATE
The idea began as an MIT class project, because of f@#king course it did. Nothing says “trustworthy technology” quite like something coded by sleep-deprived 20-year-olds surviving on Red Bull and ramen.
“Data is needed to create better AI systems,” Kazlauskas told reporters, deliberately leaving out the words “so we can more efficiently manipulate your buying habits and political opinions.”
DUMPSTER DIVING FOR ETHEREUM: THE AMERICAN DREAM IN 2024
While other college students were partying, Kazlauskas apparently spent her university years mining cryptocurrency and digging through campus trash for computer parts. Now she’s convinced people to willingly hand over their entire digital existence.
“I had a picture of Janet Yellen on my wall,” Kazlauskas admitted, which frankly explains everything you need to know about the psychological profile of someone who would create this company.
DIGITAL SHARECROPPING REBRANDED AS “EMPOWERMENT”
According to Dr. Hugh Jassett, Professor of Techno-Feudalism at the University of No This Isn’t Real, Vana’s approach is revolutionary: “Instead of the traditional model where Big Tech steals your data without compensation, now they’re letting you CHOOSE to give it away for practically nothing! It’s like if Best Buy asked you to help stock their shelves for the possibility of maybe getting a 0.001% discount someday.”
Last year, over 140,000 users contributed their Reddit data to train an AI model that generates Reddit posts, ensuring that the internet’s supply of mediocre shower thoughts and relationship advice will continue long after humanity has been extinguished.
THE DATA WEDDING NOBODY ASKED FOR
“These cross-platform datasets can create really powerful models,” explained Kazlauskas, carefully avoiding what these models will actually be used for besides making tech bros even richer.
Experts estimate that by combining Spotify, Reddit, and fashion data, AI can now determine with 99.8% accuracy exactly how to make you feel insecure enough to buy sh!t you don’t need while thinking it was your own idea.
DIGITAL COMMUNISM OR DIGITAL CAPITALISM? EITHER WAY, YOU’RE GETTING SCREWED
Professor Irma Naïve of the Institute for Technological Delusions praises the initiative: “It’s beautiful! Instead of one big tech company controlling an all-powerful AI model that knows everything about you, now a DIFFERENT company controls an all-powerful AI model that knows everything about you, but they’ve pinky-promised to give you a tiny piece of the profits if anyone ever actually pays for it!”
In related news, a new study shows that 87% of people who upload their data to Vana still can’t explain what the f@#k a “decentralized autonomous organization” actually is, but it sounds fancy enough to trust with their entire digital identity.
At press time, Vana users were excitedly calculating how many centuries it would take before their ownership stake could buy them a cup of coffee.
