SILICON VALLEY COMPANY INSTALLS DIGITAL BABYSITTER IN BROWSER, USERS NOW TOO STUPID TO CLICK LINKS THEMSELVES
Microsoft has officially launched “Copilot Mode” in its Edge browser, finally acknowledging what we’ve all suspected: the average internet user has the technological competence of a concussed hamster.
THE DEATH OF INDEPENDENT THOUGHT
In what experts are calling “the final nail in humanity’s cognitive coffin,” Microsoft’s new AI feature will now do all that pesky “thinking” for you while browsing. The feature promises to “simplify browsing” which is corporate-speak for “we assume you’re too f@#king dense to understand how URLs work.”
“We’ve noticed people struggling with incredibly complex tasks like clicking buttons and reading words,” said Microsoft spokesperson Chad Engagementmetrics. “Copilot Mode essentially holds your hand like you’re a lost toddler at Disney World.”
PERFECT FOR THE INCREASINGLY BRAINLESS MASSES
The AI-powered assistant will now make decisions for users, a feature desperately needed according to Microsoft’s internal research suggesting 78% of internet users would accidentally purchase industrial farming equipment if left unsupervised online for more than 20 minutes.
Dr. Barely Functioning, professor of Human Devolution at the Institute for Stating the Obvious, praised the development: “This is exactly what society needs right now—even LESS reason to use our mushy brain organs. Why waste precious calories on independent thought when a data-harvesting algorithm can do it for you?”
VOICE COMMANDS FOR THOSE TOO LAZY TO TYPE
Perhaps most revolutionary is the voice command feature, allowing users to simply bark orders at their computers like deranged dictators. Internal testing shows 92% of commands are either “show me boobs” or “how to get rich without working,” according to documents we completely made up.
“I love just screaming at my laptop now,” said early adopter Terry Terminalboredom, 34. “Yesterday I yelled ‘FIND ME CONTENT’ for three straight hours while staring blankly at my screen. It was the most intellectually engaged I’ve felt in years.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Professor Ima Concerned from the Center for What The Hell Are We Becoming warns this may have unforeseen consequences. “We’re essentially outsourcing our decision-making to the same type of algorithm that recommends you buy a waffle iron after you search for tennis shoes once,” she explained. “What could possibly go wrong?”
Microsoft reports that during beta testing, 67% of users forgot how to operate doorknobs within two weeks of using Copilot Mode, while another 23% began asking their refrigerators for permission to eat.
THE GLORIOUS FUTURE AWAITS
Microsoft executives project that by 2025, approximately 89% of all Edge users will have forgotten how to form original thoughts, with the remaining 11% only capable of thinking in terms of sponsored content and notification alerts.
At press time, Microsoft was reportedly developing a “breathe for me” function for users who find the autonomous control of their respiratory system “too stressful” in today’s fast-paced digital landscape.
