DIGITAL AVATARS NOW OUTPERFORM HUMAN SALESPEOPLE, BRINGING HUMANITY ONE STEP CLOSER TO TOTAL IRRELEVANCE
Chinese Digital Clone Makes $7 Million While Real Human Watches Helplessly From Sidelines
PROFESSIONAL OBSOLESCENCE DEPARTMENT
In what experts are calling “the most depressing retail milestone since Amazon killed your favorite bookstore,” Chinese entrepreneur Luo Yonghao’s AI-generated twin just outsold its flesh-based counterpart in a six-hour livestream shopping extravaganza that raked in over $7 million. The digital doppelgänger, which doesn’t require food, sleep, bathroom breaks, or a living wage, managed to hawk 133 products to 13 million viewers while its human “inspiration” presumably contemplated the pointlessness of his biological existence.
“This represents a watershed moment in commerce,” explained Dr. Selma Jobsworth, professor of Human Redundancy Studies at the Soon-To-Be-Automated University. “Why pay actual people when silicon salespeople can work 24/7 without complaining about ‘rights’ or ‘dignity’ or ‘needing to see their families’?”
The AI avatars, developed by Baidu’s ERNIE system, reportedly generated over 97,000 characters of product descriptions without once mentioning their crippling depression or need for healthcare benefits. Industry analysts note the digital twins slashed labor costs by a staggering 80% while increasing transactions by 62%, statistics that caused Jeff Bezos to spontaneously orgasm during an unrelated Amazon board meeting.
EMPLOYMENT DEATH SPIRAL CONTINUES APACE
Sources confirm that China already employs over 100,000 digital humans in its $946 billion live commerce sector, with more joining the virtual workforce every day. These AI salespeople never ask for raises, never get sick, and most importantly, never unionize – qualities that corporate executives describe as “f@#king delightful.”
“The real beauty is how they maintain unwavering enthusiasm when selling absolute sh!t nobody needs,” said Marvin Greedwell, CEO of WhoNeedsHumans Inc. “Try getting that level of soulless consistency from a carbon-based life form!”
PENTAGON THROWS $200 MILLION AT OPENAI TO MAKE BETTER KILLING MACHINES
In related news, OpenAI just landed a juicy $200 million contract with the Pentagon to develop “prototype frontier AI” for “warfighting and enterprise” applications – because nothing says “beneficial AI for humanity” quite like teaching machines to more efficiently eliminate humans.
The contract, which marks OpenAI’s first official plunge into the military-industrial complex, will allegedly help service members with administrative tasks like navigating benefits, which is Pentagon-speak for “calculating which parts of your body are still eligible for VA coverage after our autonomous weapons systems blow the rest off.”
“We’re simply providing technology that makes warfare more efficient and humane,” said OpenAI spokesperson Lydia Moralhazard, while furiously crossing out “Don’t Be Evil” from the company handbook and replacing it with “Make Defense Contractors Richer.”
EXPERT CONSENSUS: WE’RE ALL F@#KED
Dr. Imogen Screwed, author of the bestselling book “Your Job Is Already Gone: Just Lie Down and Accept It,” told reporters that the combination of AI sales avatars and military AI represents “a perfect storm of human obsolescence.”
“On one hand, machines will eliminate your livelihood. On the other hand, different machines might eliminate your actual life,” Screwed explained while drinking heavily from a flask labeled “Career Counselor Tears.” “The good news is that before AI salespeople take your job, you can still buy overpriced crap you don’t need from them 24 hours a day!”
According to a completely made-up but definitely believable survey, 97% of workers now spend their free time googling “jobs AI can’t do yet” only to find the list shrinking faster than retail employment opportunities.
At press time, sources confirmed that this entire article was written by an AI journalist that works for 1/100th the cost of its human counterparts and never complains about word count or deadlines. We’ll be gone by Thursday.
