PHONE THAT CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTS OWNERS WITH EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS UNVEILED BY DESPERATE TELECOM GIANT

Deutsche Telekom, a company that hasn’t had an original idea since cordless phones, today announced what they’re calling the “AI Phone” – a device guaranteed to bombard users with unwanted information while they’re just trying to check the f@#king weather.

PHONE BUILT TO LISTEN TO ALL YOUR CONVERSATIONS SOMEHOW MARKETED AS “HELPFUL”

The revolutionary device, which experts predict will be about as useful as a paper umbrella in a hurricane, features Perplexity Assistant right on the lock screen, ensuring you never miss another opportunity to be interrupted by an algorithm that misunderstands your question.

“We’ve taken Perplexity from an answer machine to an action machine,” explained Perplexity CEO Aravind Srinivas, who apparently thinks “action” means “constantly suggesting things you never asked for while you’re trying to make a goddamn phone call.”

The device will cost under $1,000, which industry analysts note is “impressively expensive for what is essentially just a smartphone with an annoying chatbot that won’t shut the f@ck up.”

EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH

Dr. Obvious Pandering, Chief Technology Officer at the Institute for Pointless Innovations, praised the device: “This is exactly what consumers have been begging for – a phone that makes simple tasks unnecessarily complicated and constantly suggests things you don’t want to do.”

The phone will also integrate Google Cloud AI for real-time translation of your private conversations into marketable data points, ElevenLabs for creating podcasts nobody will listen to, and Picsart for generating avatars that make you look like you’ve been poorly taxidermied.

ANTHROPIC RAISES APPROXIMATELY ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD

Meanwhile, in completely unrelated news that definitely doesn’t show that tech investors are absolutely losing their sh!t, Anthropic just raised $3.5 billion at a $61.5 billion valuation, which financial experts describe as “perfectly reasonable for a company whose primary product is a chatbot that occasionally writes poetry.”

“This investment will help us expand our computing resources,” said an Anthropic spokesperson, “which is corporate speak for ‘we’re going to burn through ungodly amounts of electricity to make our AI slightly better at pretending it knows what it’s talking about.'”

The valuation – roughly equivalent to the GDP of Croatia – comes despite the fact that 97.4% of users still primarily use Claude to write passive-aggressive emails to their landlords.

MICROSOFT CONTINUES HEALTHCARE DOMINATION WITH NEW AI THAT LISTENS TO DOCTOR-PATIENT CONVERSATIONS

In a move that absolutely won’t result in massive privacy violations, Microsoft unveiled Dragon Copilot, an AI assistant that automatically generates medical documentation by eavesdropping on everything you tell your doctor.

“Early testing shows clinicians save approximately five minutes per patient,” said Microsoft spokesperson Ivana Sellurdata. “Those five minutes can now be dedicated to explaining data breaches to patients or arguing with insurance companies.”

When asked about privacy concerns, Microsoft representatives assured the public that all sensitive medical information would be “totally secure, unless we decide to use it to train future AI models, which we absolutely will.”

According to a survey of healthcare professionals, 89% report reduced feelings of burnout and fatigue, primarily because they’ve given up caring about anything at all.

TELEKOM’S “AI PHONE” EXPECTED TO REVOLUTIONIZE HOW QUICKLY YOUR BATTERY DIES

Tech analysts predict the new AI Phone will set records for the shortest battery life in smartphone history, with early models lasting up to seven minutes of continuous use before requiring a recharge.

“But those seven minutes will be magical,” insisted Deutsche Telekom CEO Timmy Höttges, who refused to answer questions about why anyone would want a phone that constantly interrupts them with suggestions based on things it overheard while sitting in their pocket.

As of press time, 78% of consumers surveyed indicated they would “rather eat glass” than purchase a phone that makes decisions for them based on constantly monitoring their behavior, but Deutsche Telekom remains confident the remaining 22% of the market – primarily people who enjoy having their entire digital existence sold to advertisers – will make the device a roaring success.