DEPUTY PM TELLS MOTHER NATURE TO GO F@#K HERSELF, APPROVES DATA FACTORY WHERE BUTTERFLIES USED TO LIVE
In a move that has environmentalists clutching their reusable pearls, Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner has heroically bulldozed through local opposition to approve a massive datacentre on pristine green belt land, because apparently fields of wildflowers aren’t contributing enough to the GDP.
LOCAL COUNCIL OPINIONS MATTER AS MUCH AS YOUR EX’S SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS
Rayner boldly overruled the local council’s decision, demonstrating the government’s commitment to democracy by completely ignoring it. The 90MW facility will be conveniently located by the M25 in Buckinghamshire, ensuring that commuters stuck in traffic will have something new and soulless to look at while contemplating their life choices.
NO ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT ASSESSMENT BECAUSE DUHHHH
In a stroke of administrative genius, no environmental impact assessment was conducted for the facility. When asked why, a government spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous but whose name rhymes with “Bangela Ayner” responded, “Environmental assessments are for losers who care about ‘future generations’ or whatever. We’ve got AI to build, people!”
TREBLING COMPUTING CAPACITY BECAUSE ONE EARTH ISN’T ENOUGH
The Labour government has committed to trebling the UK’s computing capacity in what they’re calling “a global race,” because apparently if America jumps off a climate cliff, Britain should too. Dr. Watts D. Point, head of the newly formed Ministry of Obvious Bad Ideas, explained, “If we don’t build enough datacentres to power every teenager’s AI anime girlfriend, China will win. Do you want China to win? DO YOU?”
EXPERTS WARN OF CONSEQUENCES; GOVERNMENT PUTS FINGERS IN EARS
Professor Ima Treehuger from the Institute of Telling You So Later warned that the massive energy requirements of the facility could power approximately 47,000 homes or one teenager asking ChatGPT to write their history essay.
“We’ve calculated that this datacentre will consume enough electricity to power a small city, or approximately three TikTok servers on a Tuesday,” said Treehuger. “But hey, at least we’ll be able to generate pictures of cats wearing Victorian costumes 0.003 seconds faster.”
LOCAL RESIDENTS THRILLED TO TRADE SONGBIRDS FOR SERVER HUMS
Local resident Gladys Notsohappy, 78, expressed her delight at the decision: “I was getting so tired of looking at all this useless green space and hearing birds chirping. Now I can fall asleep to the soothing sound of industrial cooling systems and know that somewhere, someone’s prompt for ‘sexy Gandalf eating spaghetti’ is being processed at lightning speed.”
GLOBAL RACE TO THE BOTTOM CONTINUES APACE
The Labour government defends the decision as part of their strategy to turn the UK into an “AI powerhouse,” a term they’ve clearly misunderstood as “place with a sh!t-ton of servers rather than actual innovation.” Industry expert Ivor Hardon told us, “The UK is absolutely crushing it in the ‘how many fields can we cover with concrete’ Olympics.”
Statistics show that 97% of politicians can’t tell the difference between actual progress and just building big things that go “whirrrr.”
At press time, Rayner was reportedly considering plans to turn the Lake District into a massive Bitcoin mining facility, because apparently one environmental catastrophe just isn’t enough for a Tuesday.