DANISH GOVERNMENT DECLARES “YOUR FACE IS YOURS” AS IF THAT WASN’T ALREADY F#@KING OBVIOUS
In a move that has shocked absolutely no one with common sense, Denmark has boldly stepped forward to declare that people own the rights to their own f@#king faces. Revolutionary stuff, folks.
SCANDINAVIANS CONTINUE WILD TRADITION OF BASIC HUMAN DECENCY
The Danish government announced Thursday they’re amending copyright law to ensure citizens have exclusive rights to their faces, bodies, and voices, apparently believing they need to spell this sh!t out for the technology sector.
“We’re basically telling tech bros they can’t steal your face without permission,” explained Danish Minister of Stating The Obvious, Lars Obviousson. “Next week, we’ll be confirming that water is indeed wet and fire is still hot.”
TECH INDUSTRY RESPONDS WITH CONFUSION OVER BASIC ETHICS
Silicon Valley executives reportedly met the announcement with blank stares and genuine bewilderment.
“You mean people DON’T want their identities stolen and used for pornography or election interference?” questioned Mark Metaverse, CEO of Definitely Not Facebook. “But that’s our entire business model for 2025!”
Studies show approximately 97.8% of tech companies had planned their quarterly profits around deepfaking celebrities into advertisements without their permission.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON REVOLUTIONARY CONCEPT OF “CONSENT”
“What Denmark is proposing is absolutely groundbreaking if you’ve been living under a rock since the dawn of human civilization,” said Dr. Commonsense Logic, Professor of Not Being A Complete A$$hole at Copenhagen University. “They’re introducing this wild concept that people should have some say in how their likeness is used. Truly mind-blowing stuff.”
According to a completely made-up survey, 99.6% of people asked, “Wait, I didn’t already own my face?” while the remaining 0.4% were too busy trying to deepfake themselves into Taylor Swift’s latest music video to respond.
UNPRECEDENTED LEGISLATION CAUSES PANIC AMONG CREEPS
Underground forums are reportedly in chaos as users come to terms with the legislative bombshell that creating fake videos of people without permission might actually be wrong.
“This is TYRANNY!” posted user NotACreep69 in a forum dedicated to creating realistic deepfakes. “What’s next? Laws against stealing people’s mail or breaking into their houses? WHERE DOES IT END?”
In related news, 76% of Denmark’s politicians admitted they only understood the issue after finding their own faces superimposed onto the bodies of dancing badgers in viral TikTok videos.
AMERICA WATCHES IN CONFUSION AS COUNTRY ACTUALLY ADDRESSES PROBLEM
Americans observed with bewilderment as a government took actual steps to address a technological problem before it spiraled completely out of control.
“You’re telling me they didn’t wait for at least 15 years of escalating societal harm before doing the bare minimum?” said political analyst Waite Toolong. “That’s just un-American.”
At press time, Danish citizens were reportedly walking around with the novel understanding that their faces actually belong to them, while the rest of the world continues to believe that’s just the price you pay for existing in the digital age.
