DEGREES IN DEBT: GRADUATES DISCOVER THEIR $100K EDUCATION QUALIFIES THEM TO BE UNEMPLOYED BETTER THAN HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted except literally everyone with half a functioning brain cell, this year’s university graduates are discovering their fancy degrees make excellent coasters for the tears they’re crying into their parent’s basement beer.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’VE PLAYED YOURSELF
As proud parents snap photos of their offspring in ridiculous medieval hats and gowns, career counselors are frantically updating their advice from “follow your dreams” to “maybe learn to code before the coding jobs also disappear, you poor bastards.”
Recent data shows graduate job listings have plummeted 33% compared to last year, creating what experts are calling a “total sh!tshow of historic proportions.” The culprit? Those thinking rectangles everyone’s grandmother is now using to write erotic poetry and generate fake vacation photos.
“We simply don’t need humans to do entry-level tasks anymore,” explained CEO of MegaCorp Industries, Richard “Dick” Paycheck. “Why hire a graduate who needs bathroom breaks and expects to be paid when I can use a digital thought servant that works 24/7 for the price of electricity?”
TURNS OUT YOUR PARENTS WERE RIGHT FOR ONCE
Dr. Obvious Conclusion from the Institute of Telling You What You Already Know points out that students who spent $100,000 on degrees might have made a tactical error.
“These kids were told education was the path to success. Nobody mentioned the path now leads directly off a f@#king cliff,” she explained while uploading her own resume to Indeed. “About 87.3% of tasks previously performed by entry-level graduates can now be done by silicon-based thinking rectangles that don’t complain about working conditions or ask for health insurance.”
DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES
Universities are rapidly adapting to the crisis by offering new courses like “Advanced Begging,” “Professional Parent Basement Dwelling,” and “The Art of Convincing Yourself Your Degree Wasn’t a Complete Waste of Money 101.”
Career counselor Ima Screwed suggests graduates consider innovative approaches to job hunting. “Have you tried turning your degree into an NFT? Or perhaps selling your kidney? Both options currently offer better returns than most humanities degrees.”
THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT IF YOU SQUINT REALLY HARD AND LIE TO YOURSELF
Professor Hope Springs Eternal from Delusion University offers a ray of sunshine: “The good news is that approximately 0.002% of graduates will still find meaningful employment. The rest can take comfort knowing they’re contributing to shareholder value by not being on the payroll.”
Meanwhile, the government has proposed a revolutionary solution to the crisis: doing absolutely f@#king nothing while occasionally expressing concern in press releases.
“We are deeply troubled by these developments,” said Minister for Empty Promises, while his department’s entire correspondence was being handled by a chatbot that also writes his speeches and probably does a better job running the country.
As today’s graduates face the bleakest job market in recent memory, they can at least take comfort knowing they’re the most educated generation of unemployed people in history. That student debt may last forever, but hey, at least they’ll have plenty of time to create amazing TikToks about being broke.
