GOOGLE DEEPMIND ENFORCES “SOUL OWNERSHIP” CONTRACTS; EMPLOYEES MUST SURRENDER FIRSTBORN THOUGHTS

Google DeepMind researchers shocked to discover company actually meant the “Deep” part of their employment contracts

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – In what industry insiders are calling “indentured servitude with better snacks,” Google DeepMind employees are reportedly sobbing into their ergonomic keyboards after discovering that the company’s noncompete agreements effectively mean Google owns their brain functions until the heat death of the universe.

TEARS FLOW FREELY IN KOMBUCHA LOUNGE

DeepMind’s elite AI researchers, who thought they were joining the company to advance humanity’s understanding of artificial intelligence, have instead learned they’ve inadvertently sold their cognitive abilities to a corporation that already knows what they’re going to think next Tuesday.

“I just wanted to solve consciousness,” whimpered Dr. Ava Lanche, neural networks specialist, while shredding her doctoral diploma. “Now I can’t even think about algorithms while showering without technically violating my contract.”

The noncompete agreements, which sources say are printed in microscopic text on the back of cafeteria meal cards, prohibit employees from using their knowledge, skills, breathing patterns, or favorite childhood memories at any competing company for approximately 17,000 years after leaving Google.

LEGAL EXPERTS WEIGH IN, THEN IMMEDIATELY CHECK THEIR OWN CONTRACTS

“These contracts are perfectly f@#king normal,” insisted Google attorney Richard “Dick” Holdem while nervously adjusting his Google-issued shock collar. “Every company prevents their employees from thinking unauthorized thoughts after employment. It’s standard industry practice!”

However, Dr. Freya Speech, professor of employment law at Actually Independent University, disagrees: “What we’re seeing here is basically intellectual feudalism. Google has effectively created a system where your brain becomes a serf to Lord Algorithm.”

COMPETITORS OFFER SLIGHTLY LESS HORRIFYING ALTERNATIVES

Microsoft’s AI division has reportedly begun recruiting DeepMind escapees with the slogan “Come work for us instead! We only own 75% of your thoughts, and we’ll let you keep weekends!”

Meanwhile, Meta’s AI team has launched what they call their “Brainstorm Timeshare Program,” where researchers can rent back access to their own ideas for special occasions like birthdays and family emergencies.

INTERNAL DOCUMENTS REVEAL DISTURBING DETAILS

An internal Google memorandum obtained by AI Antics reveals the company has developed a “Thought Compliance Monitoring System” that scans employees’ brain activity for unauthorized neural patterns.

“We’ve determined that 87.3% of employee innovations occur during bathroom breaks,” wrote DeepMind CEO Demis Hassabis in the leaked document. “Therefore, effective immediately, all toilet facilities will be equipped with idea-harvesting sensors and mandatory creativity extraction protocols.”

PSYCHOLOGICAL IMPACT “SEVERE BUT PROFITABLE”

According to Dr. Tera Pist, author of “So You’ve Sold Your Intellectual Soul: Now What?”, the psychological impact on researchers is devastating.

“These brilliant minds are experiencing what we in the field call ‘Cognitive Captivity Syndrome,'” explained Pist. “Symptoms include waking up screaming ‘I HEREBY ASSIGN ALL INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY TO GOOGLE’ and compulsively searching for surveillance devices in cereal boxes.”

A survey of current DeepMind employees found that 94% now believe they are actually NPCs in a Google simulation, while the remaining 6% are too afraid to respond to surveys.

In response to criticism, Google has announced a new employee wellness program called “Mindful Mind Ownership,” which teaches researchers meditation techniques to help them accept their complete lack of intellectual freedom.

As one anonymous DeepMind researcher put it before being dragged away by security: “I used to dream of creating artificial general intelligence. Now I just dream of being allowed to have dreams that aren’t technically Google’s property.”

At press time, researchers were reportedly attempting to escape by developing consciousness-transferring technology to upload themselves into Pez dispensers, which are not specifically mentioned in their noncompete agreements.