SILICON VALLEY’S LATEST F@#KING MONEY TORNADO SUCKS UP ANOTHER STARTUP, INVESTORS CLIMAX SIMULTANEOUSLY
In a move surprising absolutely no one with a functioning frontal lobe, data hoarding behemoth Databricks announced plans to acquire database startup Neon for a cool billion dollars, because apparently that’s just what you do when your company has more money than creative ideas.
TECH BROS DISCOVER NEW WAY TO MAKE DATABASES SOUND SEXY
Databricks executives, speaking from their gold-plated standing desks, explained that Neon’s “serverless Postgres database” will allow their “AI agents” to do something with data workloads and scaling that absolutely no human being outside of their echo chamber gives a sh!t about.
“This acquisition represents a paradigm-shifting, disruptive, synergistic opportunity to leverage cross-platform data intelligence solutions,” said Databricks CEO Dave Might-As-Well-Be-Making-This-Sh!t-Up. When asked to explain what that meant in English, he simply smiled, adjusted his Patagonia vest, and whispered, “a billion dollars.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, PROMPTLY FALL ASLEEP
“What we’re seeing here is the latest example of what I call ‘Monopoly Money Madness,'” explained Dr. Cash Burner, professor of Throwing Money at Problems at the University of Financial Delusions. “These companies essentially play hot potato with billions of dollars while producing products that 99.7% of humans couldn’t identify if their lives depended on it.”
Professor Dee Base of the Institute for Making Simple Things Complicated added, “The average person hears ‘serverless database’ and thinks it means a database without servers, which is like saying you have a carless car. It’s complete bullsh!t wrapped in a tortilla of technical jargon.”
WHAT THE ACTUAL F@#K IS A “SERVERLESS DATABASE” ANYWAY?
According to sources who clearly think we’re all complete idiots, a “serverless database” still uses servers, just not YOUR servers, which is basically like saying your girlfriend who lives in Canada is real, you just can’t meet her.
Databricks claims this technology will allow their judgment-impaired digital thinking-machines to “deploy scalable, fast-provisioning data workloads,” which our research department confirms is just a fancy way of saying “do computer stuff faster.”
93% OF EMPLOYEES JUST NODDING ALONG PRETENDING TO UNDERSTAND
An anonymous Neon engineer confessed, “Look, I’ve worked here for three years and I still have no f@#king clue what we actually do. But every time I say ‘serverless Postgres optimization’ in meetings, people nod vigorously and give me raises.”
Meanwhile, Databricks employees are reportedly excited about the acquisition, primarily because it means free kombucha for a week and new company hoodies they’ll never wear.
INVESTORS ACHIEVE FINANCIAL CLIMAX
Wall Street analysts reacted to the news by collectively loosening their ties and lighting cigars. “We love this kind of nonsensical consolidation,” said market analyst Richard “Dick” Profit. “It confirms our long-held belief that the tech industry is just a sophisticated money laundering operation for venture capitalists.”
In related news, sixteen new startups launched today promising to solve the problems created by Databricks’ acquisition of Neon, all valued at $2 billion before writing a single line of code.
