Data Scientist Declares War on Databases, Accuses Them of Systemic Inequality and General Suckitude
In a bold and unprecedented move, Associate Professor Catherine D’Ignazio, of Data and Feminism fame, has officially launched a crusade against the data emperors of the world, declaring them guilty of inadequate representation and appalling chart aesthetics. D’Ignazio, who moonlights as a warrior against bad data architecture, is on a mission to slay the dragon of data inequity with an Excel sword and a PowerPoint shield.
“It’s not enough to just throw data at a problem and hope for the best,” said D’Ignazio, who has been secretly been developing weaponized pie charts for years. “The real question is: Who the hell even decides what data gets thrown on the spreadsheet to begin with?”
D’Ignazio, who is armed with degrees from institutions only known to harbor the nerdiest elites, has made a name for herself by collaborating with underrepresented communities in an attempt to democratize data collection. Her recent adventures include coding a giant AI that, according to basement rumors, can mansplain itself out of existence.
“Make the Breast Pump Not Suck,” a daring feminist hackathon organized by D’Ignazio, reportedly tackled everything from bad product design to ensuring breast pumps double as Wi-Fi routers. “If we’re going to get anything done in this world, it’s going to start with a breast pump that also can stream Netflix,” commented an enthusiastic participant.
Her soon-to-be bestseller, “Counting Feminicide,” aims to unravel and showcase the extensive data work behind tracking feminicide, thereby making Excel sheets slightly less boring. In her groundbreaking book, she deftly reveals that activists often know more about gender-based violence than official records, which apparently exist solely for decorative purposes in some state offices.
Academics have heralded D’Ignazio’s unconventional teaching methods. She reportedly inspires students to ask the questions no one dares to: Why are landlords allowed access to tenant data but not the other way around? Why don’t we have databases detailing the prevalence of actors named Chris in Hollywood blockbusters? An unnamed student working on housing issues told us, “Apparently, ownership of rental properties comes with the ability to know everything from tenants’ favorite cereals to their penchant for leaving dishes unwashed.”
Accusation after accusation, the Data Liberation Front, as her followers choose to identify, have turned their sights on the fragmented universe of housing data, labeling it a jigsaw puzzle from hell designed to be unsolvable.
In a stirring plea for data equity, D’Ignazio has called for technological armories that allow the downtrodden to rise, pivot, and maybe even encompass some jiffy-combating strategies. “How do we make sure our algorithms don’t evolve into our capitalist overlords?” she pondered as an epilogue to an impromptu speech.
Her real challenge now is not just dismantling the systemic inequalities present in digital records, but escaping the Excel nightmares guaranteed to haunt her until adequate server reforms are enacted worldwide.
