TECH BILLIONAIRE’S DATA-SUCKING MACHINE LEGALLY ALLOWED TO EAT AUTHORS’ SOULS, JUDGE RULES
In a decision that has left the literary world collectively sh!tting their vintage typewriters, a US judge has officially declared that Mark Zuckerberg’s Meta can gobble up any author’s precious life work without so much as a “please” or “thank you” to train its ravenous digital thought monsters.
THE LEGAL SYSTEM BLOWS KISS TO SILICON VALLEY OVERLORDS
The ruling, which basically tells authors to go f@#k themselves with their silly “intellectual property rights,” marks the second time this week the courts have performed an enthusiastic rimjob on the AI industry. Writers including comedian Sarah Silverman and acclaimed author Ta-Nehisi Coates presented what they foolishly thought was a legitimate legal argument that having their books devoured without consent by Meta’s algorithm might constitute copyright infringement.
Judge Milton Thundergavel disagreed, writing in his opinion: “Copyright? In this economy? That’s adorable.”
WRITERS DISCOVER THEIR WORK IS APPARENTLY WORTHLESS
“I spent seven years writing my last novel, pouring my soul into every word, only to discover my creative output has the same legal protection as a discarded napkin at Applebee’s,” said one devastated author who requested anonymity because they’re “too goddamn depressed to be quoted by name.”
Industry experts were quick to weigh in on the ruling. “This is a tremendous victory for companies wanting to steal sh!t,” explained Dr. Obvious Conflict, Meta’s newly appointed Writer Exploitation Officer. “Now we can cram every book ever written into our learning machines without paying a single penny to the losers who created them.”
Studies show approximately 97.3% of authors are now considering abandoning their craft to pursue more financially viable careers like professional lottery ticket purchasing or becoming professional cat psychics.
THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT FOR COMPANIES, BLEAK AS F@#K FOR CREATORS
Professor Idon Givafuck of the Institute for Technological Inevitability notes that this ruling paves the way for even more aggressive data harvesting. “Next, we’ll see companies training their AI on private journals, love letters, and possibly your most intimate thoughts. The fact that 89% of authors are now drinking themselves to sleep is merely a statistic, not a problem.”
When asked for comment, Zuckerberg’s holographic representative smiled a smile that didn’t quite reach its digital eyes and said, “We’re excited to continue connecting people through innovative technology that definitely won’t replace all human creativity while paying exactly zero dollars for the privilege.”
At press time, thousands of authors were reportedly switching their manuscripts to white text on white backgrounds, while Meta engineers were developing new technology to steal that too.
