DATA CENTER BOOM HAS OIL EXECS LITERALLY BATHING IN MONEY WHILE PLANET BURNS
Energy tycoons who bankrolled Trump now constructing gold-plated jacuzzis filled with crude oil to celebrate environmental apocalypse
AMERICA’S FOSSIL FUEL OLIGARCHY CELEBRATES VICTORY
In what experts are calling “the most predictable f@#king thing ever,” oil and gas barons who shoved millions into Trump’s campaign coffers are now gleefully counting their blood money as the administration green-lights their plan to burn the planet to a crisp in service of powering an ungodly number of data centers.
Energy Transfer, the same warm-hearted folks who brought you the Dakota Access pipeline and probably kick puppies in their spare time, has reportedly received requests to power a staggering 70 new data centers since Trump’s return to office. This represents a 75% increase in opportunities to convert pristine wilderness into shareholder dividends.
BURNING THE PLANET TO KEEP THE MEMES FLOWING
“This is basically perfect capitalism,” explained Dr. Ima Sellout, professor of Ethical Bankruptcy at the University of Corporate Appeasement. “We’re destroying the environment so people can have faster access to cat videos and conspiracy theories. If that’s not the American dream, I don’t know what is.”
The data centers, which consume roughly the same amount of electricity as small countries, require massive energy inputs primarily to ensure TikTok videos load 0.03 seconds faster and to keep AI systems busy generating pictures of celebrities as Renaissance paintings.
SCIENTISTS PREDICT NEW WEATHER PHENOMENON: “MONEY HURRICANES”
Climate scientists have reportedly discovered a new atmospheric disturbance they’re calling “money hurricanes,” where actual cash visibly swirls around the homes of fossil fuel executives during extreme weather events.
“It’s quite remarkable,” notes meteorologist Dr. Rain Forecast. “While normal people lose their homes to floods and fires, these executives experience localized weather patterns where $100 bills literally rain from the sky into their swimming pools. We’ve never seen anything like it, except for every time this exact same sh!t happens.”
LAWMAKERS RESPOND WITH CHARACTERISTIC BACKBONE
When asked for comment, several lawmakers who received six-figure donations from the oil and gas industry expressed “deep concern” about climate change before immediately changing the subject and proposing tax cuts for energy companies.
“Look, I’m just as worried about the environment as anyone,” said Senator Buck Passer (R-Oil Country), while physically embracing an oil barrel. “But have you considered how sad these billionaires would be if they couldn’t afford their ninth vacation home? That’s the real tragedy we’re trying to prevent.”
ALTERNATIVE ENERGY DEEMED “TOO COMPLICATED”
Administration officials defended their approach by explaining that renewable energy sources are “confusing” and “don’t make the right people rich enough.”
“Wind? Sun? These are very complicated concepts,” explained White House energy advisor Chad Fossilman. “Oil comes out of the ground, we burn it, money appears. That’s a system even our boss can understand.”
According to entirely made-up statistics that nonetheless feel true, approximately 98.7% of Americans would gladly sacrifice their children’s future habitability on Earth in exchange for slightly faster download speeds when streaming “The Bachelor.”
In a related development, Energy Transfer executives have begun construction on a massive underground bunker system where they plan to ride out the climate apocalypse while watching streaming videos of what used to be coral reefs.
As one anonymous oil executive put it: “Sure, we’re destroying the planet, but think about all the digital innovations we’re enabling! Soon, thanks to AI, people won’t even need actual nature anymore. They can just experience it virtually while living in a hellscape of our creation. That’s what I call progress, baby!”
