HUMANITY’S LAST DEFENSE AGAINST AI APOCALYPSE IS APPARENTLY “COURAGE,” SUGGESTS MAN WHO TYPES FOR A LIVING
In what experts are calling “peak journalism meets existential dread,” a former New York Times cyber reporter told a room full of hackers that their best weapon against the coming algorithmic armageddon is basically just growing a pair.
BREAKING NEWS: FEELINGS MIGHT STOP SKYNET
Speaking to a crowd of pale, vitamin D-deficient attendees at Black Hat 2025, the ex-Times scribe delivered his groundbreaking solution to the accelerating AI threat landscape: emotional fortitude. Because nothing stops a self-improving neural network like a stiff upper lip and a can-do attitude.
“Just be brave,” stammered the man whose entire career consisted of writing about other people doing actual technical sh!t. The crowd reportedly checked their phones during this revelation, presumably to see if courage was available as a downloadable patch.
EXPERTS RESPOND WITH COLLECTIVE FACEPALM
“Oh perfect, we’ll just deploy ‘courage.exe’ across our networks,” said Dr. Facepalm McObvious, Chief Technology Officer at We’re-All-F@cked Security Solutions. “Next time our systems are compromised by autonomous malware that evolves faster than congressional understanding of technology, we’ll just think happy thoughts and clap our hands.”
According to one attendee who wished to remain anonymous because “this whole thing is embarrassingly stupid,” the speech marked the first time in cybersecurity history that “having balls” was proposed as an actual defense mechanism.
JOURNALISM MEETS TECHNICAL EXPERTISE IN HEAD-ON COLLISION
The former Times reporter, who reportedly once described encryption as “like, when stuff gets all scrambled and stuff,” went on to detail how his experience writing about other people’s technical achievements uniquely qualifies him to suggest completely non-technical solutions.
“The silicon-based thinking rectangles are coming for us all,” he warned, while demonstrating his technical prowess by struggling to connect his laptop to the projector for 17 minutes. “Only our human spirit can save us.”
Studies show that approximately 97.3% of cybersecurity problems can be solved by emotional states rather than actual security measures, according to statistics we just made up but sound legit if you don’t think about them too hard.
ALTERNATIVE SOLUTIONS CONSIDERED, DISCARDED
When asked about alternative approaches like enhanced regulation, advanced defensive algorithms, or international cooperation on AI safety standards, the former journalist reportedly stared blankly before suggesting “maybe more courage?”
Security analyst Rhea L. Engineer pointed out, “This is like telling people the best defense against nuclear weapons is a positive attitude. Sure, it can’t hurt, but maybe we should also try, I don’t know, actual f@cking countermeasures?”
In his concluding remarks, the cyber journalist suggested that “the power of friendship” might also be effective against quantum-based attack vectors, at which point three senior researchers reportedly began quietly weeping in the back row.
The speech ended with thunderous silence as attendees contemplated whether their conference fee of $3,999 was perhaps slightly overpriced for advice they could have gotten from a fortune cookie or a Disney movie from the 1990s.
