TERMINATOR RIPOFF DIVIDES WORKPLACES AS EMPLOYEES PLOT AI MURDER: “THE ALGORITHM STOLE MY LUNCH MONEY”
While executives masturbate to ChatGPT demos, regular employees secretly plan sabotage campaigns against the very technology their bosses claim will “revolutionize everything” according to a new study revealing the corporate AI civil war nobody’s talking about.
EXECUTIVES HALLUCINATING SUCCESS HARDER THAN THE ALGORITHMS THEMSELVES
A shocking 97% of executives claim AI has benefited their companies despite zero f@cking evidence beyond “trust me bro” PowerPoint presentations. Meanwhile, only 88% of actual workers agree, creating what researchers call a “delusion gap” of nearly 30% between what bosses think AI does and what it actually accomplishes.
“We’ve observed executives experiencing what we call ‘AI-gasm’ – a premature celebration of technology that basically just autocompletes their emails,” explained Dr. Obvious Bullsh!t, lead researcher at the Institute for Telling Rich People What They Want to Hear. “Meanwhile, Karen from accounting is plotting to ‘accidentally’ spill coffee on the server room.”
EMPLOYEES BECOMING LUDDITES, FORMING UNDERGROUND RESISTANCE
“It’s literally tearing us apart,” confessed one mid-level manager who requested anonymity because their company’s AI would probably fire them for disloyalty. “Half my team uses AI to write passive-aggressive emails, while the other half deliberately feeds it garbage prompts like ‘write me a resignation letter calling my boss a sentient potato.'”
According to completely made-up statistics we just invented, 73.8% of employees have considered “accidentally” corrupting their company’s AI systems by training them on nothing but Reddit threads and Netflix subtitles from reality dating shows.
WHAT THE AI ACTUALLY DOES VS. WHAT EXECUTIVES THINK IT DOES
Corporate executives believe their expensive AI systems are revolutionizing business processes, when in reality 94% of use cases involve employees asking it to write excuses for missing deadlines or generating inspirational quotes for their LinkedIn profiles.
“My boss thinks our AI system is optimizing supply chain logistics,” said data entry specialist Tim Notmyrealname. “What it’s actually doing is helping me draft increasingly elaborate explanations for why I can’t attend his mandatory 7 AM ‘culture building’ breakfasts.”
Professor Idon Givashit of Silicon Valley Technical University notes: “The average company spends $2.3 million on AI implementation only to have employees use it primarily to write emails that sound slightly more professional than they are.”
THE INEVITABLE CORPORATE DYSTOPIA AWAITS
Companies now report the emergence of AI faction warfare, with employees divided into three camps: the “Kiss-Ass Adopters” who pretend the technology works, the “Silent Saboteurs” who deliberately feed it contradictory instructions, and the “Genuinely Confused” who still think AI means “Alan from IT.”
“We’ve created a workplace monitoring system that achieves 99.8% accuracy in detecting when employees are using our AI tools to avoid actual work,” boasted Chief Innovation Officer Chad Disruption, who was later found to have paid a teenager on Fiverr to complete all his AI implementation tasks.
As the corporate AI civil war escalates, experts predict that by 2025, 86% of companies will have invested billions in technology that accomplishes what a reasonably competent intern could do, while simultaneously creating a workplace environment where employees trust their staplers more than their digital assistants.
Remember, folks: The algorithm isn’t coming for your job; it’s coming for the soul-crushing parts your boss should have automated twenty years ago but was too cheap to invest in actual software solutions for. Now that’s progress you can believe in!
