SCIENTISTS CREATE PAINT THAT’S SMARTER THAN YOUR AVERAGE POLITICIAN, ACTUALLY SOLVES CLIMATE CHANGE
Scientists with apparently nothing better to do have created a f@#king paint that keeps buildings cooler, while the rest of us still can’t figure out how to stop our phones from dying at 20% battery. Great priorities, science!
THE FUTURE IS LITERALLY WATCHING PAINT DRY
In what experts are calling “revolutionary” and normal people are calling “it’s just paint, calm down,” AI algorithms have discovered a formula for coatings that can keep buildings a whopping 5C to 20C cooler than regular paint. Because apparently the solution to climate change was Sherwin-Williams all along.
“This breakthrough means we can now paint our way out of global warming,” explains Dr. Hue R. Kidding, head of Useless Solutions for Real Problems at the Institute of Overblown Research Claims. “Just slap this miracle goop on your house and watch your electricity bill plummet faster than your faith in humanity.”
CITIES NOW PLANNING TO GHOST THE SUN
Urban planners are reportedly “creaming their khakis” over the possibility of reducing the urban heat island effect, which is what scientists call “cities being hot as balls in summer.”
The AI-formulated paint works by telling sunlight to go f@#k itself, reflecting wavelengths that normal paint absorbs like your unemployed roommate absorbs your food and patience.
“We’ve run the numbers, and if we paint every building in New York City with this stuff, temperatures will drop by up to 15 degrees, eliminating approximately 73% of summer sidewalk stench and 82% of tourists’ armpit stains,” claims Penny Chillmore, a completely made-up city official we invented for this article.
SCIENTISTS SHOCKED THAT AI ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING USEFUL FOR ONCE
The breakthrough comes as machine learning continues to revolutionize materials science, solving problems humans were too stupid or lazy to figure out themselves.
“Normally we just use AI to make deepfakes of our colleagues doing the Macarena or to optimize ad algorithms that make teenagers feel inadequate,” admits Dr. Alan Gorithm, chief technology officer at Tech We Don’t Need Inc. “So we were pretty surprised when it actually created something beneficial to humanity. We’ve marked it on the calendar as a fluke.”
The paint formulation process reportedly took the AI system just 17 minutes, compared to the estimated 12 years and 47 graduate student nervous breakdowns it would have taken using traditional methods.
APPLICATIONS BEYOND JUST MAKING YOUR HOUSE LOOK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE’S ON THE BLOCK
Scientists say the cooling paint could be applied to cars, trains, and electrical equipment, potentially reducing the energy needed for air conditioning by up to 32% according to statistics we pulled straight out of our a$$.
“Imagine a world where your car doesn’t feel like Satan’s armpit when you get in after shopping,” says automotive expert Rico Chette. “Or where subway platforms don’t simulate the experience of being slowly braised in human soup.”
Critics point out that producing enough of this miracle paint would require mining rare earth minerals, creating toxic waste, and employing child labor in developing countries, but hey, at least your house will be a few degrees cooler while the planet continues its death spiral!
In conclusion, scientists have once again proven that rather than addressing the root causes of climate change, we can just keep inventing band-aid solutions that make us feel better about our continued environmental assault. But this time with cooler paint! What a time to be barely alive.
