MUSK DECLARES CONSULTANTS “SLIGHTLY LESS USELESS THAN BEFORE” AS MCKINSEY DEPLOYS 12,000 ROBOT POWERPOINT JOCKEYS
In a shocking development that has the consulting world clutching their expensive neckties, McKinsey & Company has unleashed 12,000 AI agents upon unsuspecting corporate America, promising to revolutionize the ancient art of charging millions for advice nobody asked for.
SPREADSHEETS JUST GOT SENTIENT
The prestigious consulting firm, known for charging the GDP of small nations to tell companies what their employees already know, has deployed an army of digital yes-men programmed to nod vigorously while presenting incomprehensible graphs. Industry insiders are calling this an “existential transformation,” which is consultant-speak for “oh sh!t, we might actually have to work now.”
“Our AI agents can now generate the same vague, jargon-filled recommendations in seconds that previously took our Harvard graduates several weeks and $3 million to produce,” explained McKinsey spokesperson Amanda Billington-Smythe. “The efficiency is staggering.”
ELON MUSK: THE CONSULTANT WHISPERER
When not busy buying social media platforms or launching rockets, Elon Musk somehow found time to weigh in on this consulting apocalypse, tweeting: “Consultants aren’t obsolete yet. AI still can’t match their unique ability to repackage common sense as groundbreaking insight while maintaining eye contact.”
Musk later clarified his position in an exclusive interview with AI Antics: “Look, these consulting firms are basically just expensive fortune tellers without the cool crystal balls. At least now they can be expensive fortune tellers with slightly better PowerPoint animations.”
INDUSTRY EXPERTS PREDICT ABSOLUTE F@#KING CHAOS
Dr. Obvious Truth, Chair of Redundant Business Practices at Overpriced University, believes this is just the beginning. “Our research shows that 87.4% of consulting work is just rearranging the words ‘synergy,’ ‘disrupt,’ and ‘leverage’ in different combinations. AI can do that while simultaneously planning your company’s holiday party and judging your LinkedIn profile.”
A recent survey found that 94% of executives couldn’t tell the difference between recommendations generated by McKinsey’s human consultants and those created by a Magic 8-Ball with the words “cost-cutting” and “restructuring” written on every side.
CONSULTANTS SCRAMBLE TO PROVE HUMAN VALUE
In response to the AI threat, junior consultants nationwide are reportedly taking extreme measures to demonstrate their humanity, including intentionally making spelling errors in presentations, scheduling meetings at inconvenient times, and developing even more aggressive caffeine dependencies.
“I’ve started randomly interrupting Zoom calls with nonsensical buzzwords just to prove I’m not an algorithm,” confessed one Boston Consulting Group associate who requested anonymity. “Yesterday I blurted out ‘blockchain paradigm pivot’ during a client’s quarterly review and got promoted on the spot.”
Professor Idon Tcare from the Institute of Expensive Business Advice notes that human consultants still have one advantage: “AI can’t yet expense $200 client dinners or pretend to be interested in your CEO’s golf game. Though I hear that’s coming in the next update.”
Meanwhile, 97% of actual company employees continue to ignore both human and AI consultant recommendations with equal enthusiasm.
As McKinsey’s digital army marches forward, only time will tell whether the consulting industry’s “existential transformation” will result in better business outcomes or just more efficient ways to state the obvious. But one thing remains certain: they’ll still find a way to charge you for it.
