CONSERVATIVE LEADER SWEARS SHE “WON’T CRITISIZE” COLLEAGUES WHILE SECRETLY FANTASIZING ABOUT PUSHING THEM INTO TRAFFIC
In what can only be described as the political equivalent of saying “I’m not racist, BUT…” Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch has masterfully refused to criticize fellow Tory Robert Jenrick for suggesting a coalition with Reform UK while simultaneously making it crystal f#@king clear she’s thinking about it every waking moment.
POLITICAL MARRIAGE COUNSELING GOES HORRIBLY WRONG
“We need to bring centre-right voters together,” said Badenoch through a smile so forced dental experts estimate it consumed 47% of her daily caloric intake. Sources close to the Conservative leader report she later whispered “preferably in a large pit where they can fight to the death for my amusement” when she thought microphones were off.
Political analyst Dr. Obvious Observation noted, “What we’re witnessing here is the rarest of political phenomena: a party simultaneously trying to court voters who hate each other while pretending they’re all one big happy family. It’s like hosting a dinner with both your current spouse and the person you’re having an affair with, then wondering why nobody’s touching the f@#king casserole.”
TRANS DEBATE CONTINUES AS NATION COLLECTIVELY BEGS FOR SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Meanwhile, independent MP Rosie Duffield has criticized Keir Starmer for his evolving position on trans issues, claiming he’s “a manager rather than a leader” because he changed his mind about whether trans women are women.
Professor Flip N. Flopperson of the Institute for Saying Whatever Gets You Elected explained: “The real political skill isn’t holding consistent beliefs; it’s changing them so gradually that voters think you’ve always believed what they currently want you to believe. Starmer has the charismatic consistency of unflavored yogurt, which polls show is exactly what 73% of British voters crave after the previous administration’s ‘bath salts and fireworks’ approach to governance.”
NIGEL FARAGE CLAIMS UK CAN BECOME ENERGY INDEPENDENT THROUGH POWER GENERATED BY HIS OWN BULLSH!T
In related news, Reform UK’s Nigel Farage continues insisting Britain can achieve energy independence through domestic gas production, despite experts pointing out that the UK has already extracted most of its accessible reserves.
“What Farage isn’t telling you is his actual plan,” revealed energy specialist Dr. Fracking Delusional. “Step one: drill holes in Britain until it resembles Swiss cheese. Step two: place giant turbines at strategic points around Westminster. Step three: harness the hurricane-force winds generated by politicians talking out of their @sses. Early models suggest this could power the entire nation through at least 2078.”
A spokesperson for the Department of Energy Protection had a more sobering assessment: “After sixty years of extraction, geological surveys indicate the UK has approximately as much remaining natural gas as Farage has genuine concern for working-class people.”
NATION UNSURE IF IT’S BEING GOVERNED OR JUST WATCHING PARTICULARLY DEPRESSING IMPROV SHOW
With parties frantically repositioning themselves while pretending they’re not, 98.7% of British voters now report they’d prefer being governed by “literally anyone else, including that bloke from the pub who thinks the earth is shaped like a Toblerone.”
As the political theater continues, citizens are reminded that no matter how much gas politicians claim Britain has left, they’re certainly not running short on hot air themselves.
