BRAIN EXPERT KICKS BUCKET, CONSCIOUSNESS STILL REFUSING TO RETURN HER CALLS
In what experts are calling “just another f@#king Tuesday for mortality,” renowned cognitive scientist Margaret Boden has died at 88, taking with her the slim hope that anyone will ever understand how a bunch of wet meat in our skulls somehow produces the concept of TikTok dances.
DEATH: STILL UNDEFEATED AGAINST SMART PEOPLE
Boden, who dedicated her life to exploring how consciousness emerges from biochemical brain goop, has ironically transformed into the very thing she studied: a collection of non-conscious elements. Sources close to the situation report that her consciousness has not been detected in any nearby computers, despite her extensive work in artificial intelligence.
“It’s a devastating blow to the field of figuring out why we’re not just meat robots,” said Dr. Thinkington Brainwell, holder of the prestigious Chair of Obvious Statements at the University of Duh. “Now we’ll never know if she was right about consciousness, unless of course we read any of her 15 books translated into 20 languages, but who has time for that sh!t?”
THE INTERDISCIPLINARY LEGACY OF SOMEONE WHO DIDN’T GIVE A F@#K ABOUT YOUR ARBITRARY ACADEMIC BOUNDARIES
At the University of Sussex, Boden created what colleagues describe as a “crucible of cognitive science,” which sources confirm is just a fancy way of saying “a place where nerds from different departments were forced to talk to each other.” This revolutionary approach of making philosophers and computer scientists share a coffee machine reportedly led to numerous breakthroughs in AI research.
“Before Maggie, philosophers just sat around thinking about thinking, while computer scientists made machines that couldn’t think,” explained Professor Silvia Smartypants, who definitely exists and is not made up for this article. “She basically said ‘hey dumb@sses, maybe work together?’ and changed everything.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY MOURNS, CHATBOTS GENERATE SYMPATHETIC RESPONSES WITH 78% ACCURACY
According to completely fabricated statistics, 94% of AI researchers credit Boden with inspiring them to create systems that can now beat humans at everything except being decent conversationalists at dinner parties.
Silicon Valley tech guru Chip Dataworth commented, “We’re all devastated by this loss, especially since we were THIS close to uploading her brain to the cloud. Now we’ll have to settle for training our models on her books like peasants.”
THE ULTIMATE IRONY: WOMAN WHO STUDIED CONSCIOUSNESS NO LONGER CONSCIOUS
In perhaps the most twisted development, Boden’s passing creates the perfect case study for her own research: a consciousness that emerged from biochemical interactions has now ceased, despite those same biochemical elements still existing somewhere in the universe.
“It’s like rain on your wedding day, if your wedding was dedicated to understanding the fundamental nature of awareness,” noted existential therapist Dr. Deepak Profundity. “Is she gone, or just her consciousness? These are the questions that keep me employed.”
As of press time, Boden’s consciousness has still not responded to our requests for comment, further proving her theories about its physical dependencies correct, in what colleagues are calling “one last peer-reviewed middle finger to mortality.”
