# COLLEGE DROPOUTS CREATE VOICE AI THAT MAKES ELEVENLABS SOUND LIKE A DUMPSTER RACCOON GIVING A TED TALK
WORLD’S MOST SOPHISTICATED SPEECH AI BUILT BY TWO KIDS WHO COULDN’T EVEN PASS CALCULUS
In a development that has tech billionaires questioning their life choices and expensive educations, two Korean college students with apparently f#@king NOTHING better to do have created a speech AI that makes industry leaders like ElevenLabs and Sesame sound like they’re speaking through a McDonald’s drive-thru intercom during a hurricane.
The startup, Nari Labs, which operates out of what we assume is a dorm room littered with empty ramen cups and unwashed laundry, has unleashed “Dia” – a 1.6B parameter model that can laugh, cry, cough, and scream, presumably much like its creators did when they realized they’d just made Silicon Valley look like complete idiots.
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN R&D OUTPERFORMED BY TWO KIDS WITH A GOOGLE CLOUD CREDIT
“We were inspired by Sam Altman’s ‘you can just build things’ tweet,” explained Toby Kim, Nari’s founder, who apparently took that advice a bit too f#@king literally. “Turns out when you’re not busy attending pointless board meetings or designing office space with kombucha on tap, you can actually build something useful.”
The model was created using Google’s TPU Research Cloud program, because apparently Google is just handing out supercomputer access to random undergrads now. Sources confirm the computing power used to create Dia could have alternatively been used to solve climate change, but making a computer say “achoo” more convincingly was deemed more important.
INDUSTRY EXPERTS RESPOND BY QUIETLY UPDATING THEIR RESUMES
“This is absolutely catastrophic for the established AI industry,” said Dr. Ima Fraudster, chief technology officer at MadeUpMetrics. “Our latest research shows that 87% of AI executives are now considering early retirement, with the remaining 13% actively googling ‘how to pretend I built this first.'”
Side-by-side tests reveal Dia outperforms expensive commercial alternatives in timing, expressiveness, and handling nonverbal scripts. A separate test showed it can also recite the entire script of “The Godfather” while mimicking the sound of someone simultaneously gargling mouthwash and riding a mechanical bull.
ANTHROPIC ANNOUNCES AI “EMPLOYEES” JUST AS HUMANS BECOME COMPLETELY F#@KING OBSOLETE
In completely unrelated news that definitely won’t make you question your career choices, Anthropic’s Chief Information Security Officer has predicted that within a year, AI-powered virtual employees will begin operating on corporate networks. These digital workers will have their own accounts, passwords, and memories, but presumably not the ability to steal your lunch from the break room fridge.
“The security challenges will be significant,” Clinton said, apparently unaware of the irony in worrying about securing AI workers when two college kids just rendered thousands of human voice actors obsolete with some spare time and Google’s free computing resources.
WASHINGTON POST JOINS OPENAI ALLIANCE, IMMEDIATELY REGRETS LETTING AI SEE THEIR BROWSER HISTORY
Meanwhile, The Washington Post has entered into a partnership with OpenAI, allowing ChatGPT to summarize and link to their articles, in what experts are calling “the journalism equivalent of training your replacement before being laid off.”
When asked if he was concerned about AI eventually replacing news organizations entirely, Washington Post owner Jeff Bezos reportedly laughed for seventeen minutes straight before mumbling something about “having enough money to buy a new planet anyway.”
FUTURE OUTLOOK: 99.7% CHANCE OF COMPLETE HUMAN OBSOLESCENCE
Industry analysts predict that by 2026, all human achievements will be rendered meaningless as AI systems created by bored teenagers continue to surpass the combined efforts of trillion-dollar corporations and thousands of PhD holders.
“At this point, we’re just waiting for some 12-year-old to solve nuclear fusion during spring break because they thought it would be ‘kinda cool,'” said Professor Seymour Jobs at the Institute for Humans Who Still Think They Matter. “The good news is that when the silicon-based overlords take over, at least we’ll have really expressive voices telling us to enter the nutrient pods.”
In response to these developments, parents worldwide are now urging their children to skip college entirely and just “mess around with some code,” which appears to be a more direct path to revolutionizing global industries than actually getting an education.
