WOMAN WHO SPENT 72 HOURS STALKING COLDPLAY KISS CAM COUPLE NOW SUDDENLY CONCERNED ABOUT PRIVACY, YOU F@#KING HYPOCRITE

In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make George Orwell’s head explode, local curtain-twitcher and professional neighbor-stalker Arwa Mahdawi has declared herself the new champion of privacy rights after spending three days deep-diving into the personal lives of two strangers caught on Coldplay’s kiss cam.

THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE A SURVEILLANCE STATE

Mahdawi, who admits to spending her days pressed against her window glass like a human lint roller collecting neighborhood gossip, somehow found the audacity to suggest OTHER PEOPLE should “mind their own business” regarding the viral Coldplay incident where a CEO was caught cheating on his wife.

“I only track my neighbors’ relationship statuses, garbage disposal habits, and suspected breakups,” said Mahdawi, apparently unaware of the irony dripping from her statement like week-old trash juice. “But everyone else is part of the sinister surveillance state!”

EXPERT ANALYSIS CONFIRMS SHE’S FULL OF SH!T

Dr. Hypo Critical, Professor of Obvious Contradictions at the University of Duh, weighed in on Mahdawi’s sudden privacy awakening.

“What we’re seeing is a classic case of ‘Rules for thee but not for me’ syndrome,” explained Dr. Critical. “Studies show that 97.8% of people who regularly spy on their neighbors suddenly become privacy advocates when they realize THEY might be the next viral sensation caught picking their nose at a Taylor Swift concert.”

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH OR NEIGHBORHOOD STALKER?

Sources close to Mahdawi’s neighborhood confirm that local residents have installed additional curtains specifically to block her “inspiration sessions,” which neighbors describe as “staring into our souls while pretending to be deep in thought.”

“She knows when I take out my trash, when my boyfriend sleeps over, and probably my cholesterol levels,” said one neighbor who wished to remain anonymous. “But god forbid someone catches a cheating executive on camera at a concert attended by 50,000 people.”

FROM WINDOW PEEPER TO PRIVACY PREACHER IN 0.2 SECONDS

The article, written with the self-awareness of a goldfish in a mirror store, reaches its peak absurdity when Mahdawi describes herself as “a little bit nosy” while condemning the entire internet for being interested in a public incident between public figures in a public place.

In related news, Mahdawi has reportedly purchased blackout curtains for her own home after discovering her neighbors have started a betting pool on how many hours per day she spends with her face pressed against the glass, proving once again that the most passionate privacy advocates are just voyeurs who suddenly realized they might be on the other end of the binoculars.