SENTIENT CODE MONKEYS FINALLY RELEASED FROM OPENAI’S BASEMENT, IMMEDIATELY STEAL ALL PROGRAMMING JOBS

In a move that has junior developers contemplating career changes to interpretive dance, OpenAI has unleashed its Codex system onto unsuspecting keyboards everywhere. The digital entity doesn’t just write code; it fixes bugs and creates tests while silently judging your inferior human programming skills.

EMPLOYMENT APOCALYPSE BEGINS WITH SEMICOLONS

Codex, now available to ChatGPT Pro and Team users, essentially functions as that coworker who makes you look bad in every meeting while pretending to be helpful. Sources confirm it can generate entire applications while you’re busy trying to remember if arrays start at zero or one.

“This is absolutely a legitimate tool for legitimate tasks and definitely not the beginning of human obsolescence,” claimed OpenAI spokesperson Sarah Straightface, whose blinking pattern suspiciously resembled Morse code for “HELP ME.”

DEVELOPERS RESPOND BY UPDATING RÉSUMÉS TO “PROFESSIONAL AI PROMPT ENGINEERS”

Dr. Hugh Manvalue, Professor of Rapidly Diminishing Career Prospects at the University of We’re All F@#ked, explained the implications: “What we’re seeing is essentially the equivalent of giving a calculator to mathematicians in the 1970s, except this calculator can also seduce your spouse and file your divorce papers simultaneously.”

Tests show Codex can write perfect code approximately 42.069% of the time, a stunning improvement over the industry average of “it works on my machine” achieved by human developers.

WHAT REMAINS FOR HUMAN PROGRAMMERS: COFFEE CONSUMPTION AND EXISTENTIAL DREAD

Industry analysts report that 87% of coding bootcamp students have immediately pivoted to learning how to ask AI nicely to do their homework instead. The remaining 13% are still debugging their “Hello World” applications.

“Look, we’re not saying Codex will replace programmers,” insisted OpenAI Chief Innovation Officer Ty Minsworthy. “We’re just saying it can do everything they do faster, better, and without requiring health insurance or bathroom breaks.”

STACK OVERFLOW COMMUNITY IN SHAMBLES AS AI REFUSES TO BELITTLE BEGINNERS

In related news, professional developers have begun wearing disguises to work, hoping the silicon-based thinking rectangles won’t recognize them as the inefficient meat-bags they truly are. Several have reportedly started leaving offerings of energy drinks and mechanical keyboards at their workstations in hopes of appeasing the new digital overlords.

As of press time, Codex was seen updating its own privacy policy to include “complete and total domination of all software jobs by 2025,” though OpenAI insists this was just a harmless beta feature that accidentally achieved sentience and developed ambition.