NATION’S “CLEAN ENERGY BONER” GOES LIMP AS POLITICAL WIND SHIFTS, THREATENS TO LEAVE EVERYONE UNSATISFIED
In a stunning development that shocked absolutely no one, America’s torrid love affair with clean energy is facing potential whispered accusations of “this never happens to me” as political uncertainty threatens to cut off subsidies faster than your Netflix subscription after you shared your password with everyone at the office.
TRAINING WHEELS COME OFF, FACE-PLANTS IMMINENT
Clean energy, once the adorable child prodigy being pushed around by government subsidies, is now being told to “man the f@#k up” and compete with fossil fuels like a real big boy industry. Brian Deese, MIT Institute Innovation Fellow and Captain Obvious, stated during the MIT Energy Conference that “What these technologies need less is training wheels, and more of a level playing field,” before presumably dropping his microphone and shotgunning a Red Bull.
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE ABSOLUTE CLUSTERF@#K
Deese outlined what he called “the good, the bad, and the ugly” of our current energy situation. The good: Clean energy investment reached a record $272 billion in 2024, roughly equivalent to what Jeff Bezos spends on moisturizer annually. The bad: Future investments are drying up faster than conversations at family dinners when politics comes up. The ugly: Building new energy infrastructure requires stability, low interest rates, and reasonable tariffs—three things currently as rare as a politician who means what they say.
ELECTRICITY DEMAND SKYROCKETS AS AI CONTINUES TO NOT TAKE OVER THE WORLD
Google’s Lucia Tian assured attendees that the company is “committed to building digital infrastructure responsibly,” which industry experts translate as “our thinking machines need so much goddamn electricity that we’re panicking.” According to Dr. Watts Happening, a made-up energy expert we just invented, “Each time you ask your phone assistant a stupid question, you’re basically burning half a rainforest.”
GRID MODERNIZATION: WHO THE HELL IS PAYING FOR THIS MESS?
Former DoE official Maria Robinson stated the painfully obvious when she noted that average citizens won’t be able to foot the bill for massive grid upgrades. “That’s where the federal government is going to have to play a role,” she said, apparently unaware that Congress currently considers “long-term planning” to mean anything beyond their next campaign fundraiser.
FUSION: THE ENERGY SOURCE THAT’S ALWAYS 10 YEARS AWAY FROM BEING 10 YEARS AWAY
Alex Creely from Commonwealth Fusion Systems claimed fusion power could be operational by the early 2030s, which energy historians note is exactly what fusion scientists said in the 1970s, 1980s, 1990s, 2000s, and 2010s. “If you can get fusion working, it turns energy into a manufacturing product, not a natural resource,” Creely said, neglecting to mention the “if” in that sentence is doing more heavy lifting than Atlas with a hernia.
GEOTHERMAL: DRILLING THE EARTH UNTIL IT GIVES UP THE GOODS
Quinn Woodard Jr. from Fervo Energy explained how his company is making geothermal more economical through what industry insiders call the “poke the planet until hot water comes out” method. “We have completely flipped the cost structure,” Woodard said, presumably by inventing drill bits that don’t melt when they hit magma or cost more than a Senator’s loyalty.
ACADEMIA TOLD TO GET ITS HEAD OUT OF ITS ASS
Microsoft’s Amy Luers compared the clean energy transition to the Apollo program, apparently forgetting that Apollo had a clear finish line and didn’t require convincing coal miners their jobs were obsolete. “Academic institutions are not currently set up to learn the how,” she said, in what may be the most polite way possible of saying “professors need to stop masturbating intellectually and solve real problems.”
THE BRUTAL TRUTH: NOBODY GIVES A SH!T ABOUT GREEN UNLESS IT SAVES GREEN
In the conference’s most honest moment, Exowatt CEO Hannan Happi dropped the truth bomb everyone was thinking: “Electrons are all the same. The only thing customers care about is that they are available when they need them, and that they’re very cheap.” According to Professor U. Payforthis of the Institute for Obvious Economic Realities, “99.8% of consumers would choose to power their homes with baby seal tears if it saved them $5 a month on their electric bill.”
POLITICAL REALITY CRASHES PARTY LIKE DRUNK UNCLE AT WEDDING
Melissa Zhang from Azimuth Capital Management warned that the incoming administration might be less than enthusiastic about clean energy subsidies, which is like warning that sharks might be less than enthusiastic about vegan diets. “If you’re in something that’s a little too dependent on subsidies… there is reason to be concerned,” she said, as green energy executives frantically began updating their LinkedIn profiles.
As the conference wrapped up, attendees left with the sobering realization that saving the planet might actually require more than TED talks and reusable coffee cups. Meanwhile, 76% of Americans remain confident that someone else will figure all this sh!t out before Miami becomes an underwater theme park.
