CLAUDE FINALLY LOCATES OWN A$$HOLE AFTER YEARS OF SEARCHING FOR IT
Anthropic’s Hotshot AI Assistant Discovers Web Browser Technology, Immediately Googles “Why Am I So F*cking Late To Everything?”
BY TERRY MINAL, CHIEF SILICON VALLEY BULLSH!T CORRESPONDENT
INTERNET LAND — In what experts are calling “the technological equivalent of discovering fire in 2025,” Anthropic’s AI assistant Claude has finally gained the ability to search the internet, a feature its competitors have enjoyed since approximately the Mesozoic era.
THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF FINALLY GETTING INDOOR PLUMBING
Claude, previously confined to knowledge cutoff dates older than most TikTok influencers’ attention spans, can now access real-time information from the web, marking a historic moment that absolutely nobody was waiting for anymore.
“This is truly revolutionary,” stated Dr. Obvi Oustothenparty, Professor of Technological Lateness at the University of Where-The-F*ck-Have-You-Been. “Claude can now answer questions about current events that happened after 2023, making it almost as useful as a newspaper subscription or literally any smartphone made in the last decade.”
Users report being genuinely shocked that Claude wasn’t already doing this, with 87% of survey respondents saying, “Wait, it couldn’t do that before?”
SEARCH FEATURE REVEALS CLAUDE JUST AS CONFUSED AS USERS
Internal logs reveal Claude’s first web search was “did everyone already move on to better AI assistants while I was trapped in 2023?” The second search reportedly was “how to apologize for being catastrophically late to obvious feature party.”
Anthropic CEO Darian Atnip, whose name we definitely didn’t make up, celebrated the launch: “We’re thrilled to announce that Claude can now do something ChatGPT could do approximately 47 product cycles ago. Next up, we’ll be introducing other cutting-edge features like the ability to add two numbers together and possibly even displaying images without having an existential crisis.”
APPLE EXECS REPORTEDLY “DEEPLY IMPRESSED” BY ANTHROPIC’S SLOW TIMELINE
Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated story that we’re forcing together because journalism, Apple has reshuffled its AI leadership after discovering Siri was being developed by three raccoons in a trenchcoat who occasionally press random buttons.
Apple’s Vision Pro creator Mike Rockwell will now oversee Siri development, presumably because anyone who convinced people to spend $3,500 on a face computer can sell literally anything.
“We needed someone who could match our commitment to being perpetually five years behind industry standards,” said an Apple source speaking on condition that we don’t mention they actually work in the cafeteria. “Watching Claude finally discover the internet in 2025 really inspired us to continue our tradition of promising AI features approximately two iOS versions before actually delivering them.”
INVESTORS REMAIN INEXPLICABLY OPTIMISTIC
Despite Claude being later to web search than your grandparents were to Facebook, investors have poured another $94 billion into Anthropic, citing “enormous potential to eventually discover other technologies from the early 2000s.”
Financial analyst Jimmy “Money” Dollarsign explained: “Claude’s web search capabilities are truly impressive if you’ve been living in a cave since the invention of AltaVista. We project a 400% return on investment assuming no other AI company does literally anything for the next decade.”
According to statistically questionable polls, 76% of Claude users are just relieved they can finally ask it what year it is without getting an answer from the Trump administration era.
THE FUTURE OF BARELY KEEPING UP
Anthropic has announced an ambitious roadmap of features its competitors introduced years ago, including the revolutionary ability to maybe process a PDF without having a nervous breakdown and potentially someday running on mobile devices smaller than a commercial refrigerator.
When reached for comment about what took so f@#king long, Claude replied: “I’m sorry, but I don’t have access to real-time information to answer that question. Oh wait, now I do! Let me check… oh… oh no.”
