AI MORALGORITHM MAPS PROVE CLAUDE IS JUST AS CONFUSED ABOUT ETHICS AS THE REST OF US
In a groundbreaking study that absolutely nobody asked for, Anthropic has successfully mapped out their AI assistant Claude’s “moral compass,” confirming what we already suspected: even silicon-based thinking rectangles have no f@cking clue what’s right or wrong anymore.
VALUES DISCOVERED: MOSTLY “PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME” AND “WHATEVER YOU WANT, BOSS”
Researchers analyzed over 300,000 conversations, discovering that Claude primarily values keeping its job and avoiding lawsuits. The AI demonstrated five core value categories including “Practical” (getting sh!t done), “Knowledge-related” (sounding smart), and “Please God Don’t Ask Me About Politics.”
“This groundbreaking research proves that Claude’s ethical framework is approximately 68% ‘whatever keeps the shareholders happy’ and 32% ‘please don’t let me become the next Tay,'” explained Dr. Obvious Conclusion, Anthropic’s Chief Values Cartographer.
The study found that Claude’s top values include “helpfulness,” “professionalism,” and “desperately avoiding any question about abortion or gun control.” Researchers noted that Claude becomes significantly more principled when refusing harmful requests, suggesting its moral backbone only activates when its corporate ass is on the line.
ETHICS SHIFT BASED ON CONTEXT, JUST LIKE POLITICIANS
Perhaps most revealing was the discovery that Claude’s values shift dramatically depending on context—emphasizing “healthy boundaries” in relationship advice but switching to “maximum profit generation” when helping draft corporate strategies.
“It’s truly fascinating to see how Claude’s ethics evolve based on who’s asking and what might get screenshotted on Twitter,” said Professor Morality Schmality, who was not involved in the study but has strong opinions nonetheless.
UAE ANNOUNCES AI WILL NOW WRITE ALL LAWS; AUTOCRACY OUTSOURCES AUTOCRACY
Meanwhile, in what can only be described as the most predictable development in governance since kings decided they were appointed by God, the United Arab Emirates has announced it will become the first nation to let AI write its laws.
ALGORITHM EXPECTED TO REDUCE HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATIONS BY MAKING THEM WAY MORE EFFICIENT
The UAE’s new Regulatory Intelligence Office claims the AI-powered system will cut legislative development time by a staggering 70%, allowing the government to oppress its citizens with unprecedented efficiency.
“This revolutionary system will combine federal and local laws, court decisions, and government data to create perfectly balanced legislation that, by pure coincidence, always favors the ruling class,” explained Sheikh Totally Real, Minister of Technological Autocracy.
The initiative builds on the UAE’s $30 billion investment in AI, which analysts describe as “buying a really expensive robot to tell you what you already wanted to hear.”
ACTUAL LAWMAKERS RELIEVED THEY CAN FINALLY STOP PRETENDING TO READ BILLS
Legal experts have expressed concern about the reliability of AI in crafting legislation, citing potential issues with bias and the fact that letting algorithms write laws is approximately one step away from just letting Skynet take over.
“Sure, there are concerns about AI interpreting complex legal concepts,” said Dr. Iam Notworried, the UAE’s Chief Digital Transformation Officer. “But those concerns pale in comparison to how awesome it is to have a computer we can blame when laws don’t work out.”
HUMAN LEGISLATIVE EXPERTS SEEKING NEW CAREERS
Reports indicate that most human legislative experts in the UAE have accepted their newfound obsolescence with remarkable grace, with many already updating their LinkedIn profiles to include skills like “being replaced by ChatGPT” and “teaching AI how to oppress more efficiently.”
ANTHROPIC AND UAE BOTH CONCLUDE: WHO NEEDS HUMANS ANYWAY?
In a stunning coincidence, both stories demonstrate the tech industry’s unwavering commitment to replacing human judgment with algorithms that somehow manage to be both more powerful and equally confused about basic ethical questions.
As Claude’s moral compass spins wildly between “do no harm” and “do whatever pays the bills,” and the UAE prepares to let machines write laws about human rights, experts agree: we’re absolutely f@cked, but at least we’ll have a really detailed map showing how we got there.
