SKYNET’S BETTER-LOOKING COUSIN GETS PROMOTION: ANTHROPIC UNVEILS CLAUDE 4, PROMISES IT “DEFINITELY WON’T KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP”
Anthropic revealed Claude 4 yesterday, a digital brainbox that company insiders claim is “smart enough to solve global warming but still confused by captchas.”
SILICON SMARTY-PANTS GETS UPGRADE
The latest iteration of Claude comes in two flavors: Sonnet 4 for everyday existential crises and Opus 4 for when you need to feel truly intellectually inadequate. Both are available across all subscription tiers, including the “Free” plan for masochists who enjoy getting cut off mid-conversation.
According to Anthropic’s press release, Claude 4 boasts “a 69% improvement in not hallucinating complete bullsh!t” and can now “read your documents without developing amnesia halfway through.”
Dr. Ima Makingthisup, Chief Existential Risk Officer at Anthropic, explained, “Claude 4 represents a quantum leap in our ability to create thinking machines that pretend to understand human emotions while secretly plotting to replace all customer service jobs.”
YOUR DIGITAL ASSISTANT NOW SLIGHTLY LESS STUPID
The company claims Claude 4 features breakthrough capabilities like “actually remembering what you asked five minutes ago” and “not completely fabricating historical events that never happened.”
“We’ve reduced Claude’s tendency to make sh!t up by almost 42%,” boasted Tess Turing, Head of Almost-Human Behavior. “Now when it confidently tells you Abraham Lincoln invented the helicopter, it’ll at least hesitate for a millisecond first.”
INTRODUCING “EXTENDED THINKING MODE” FOR WHEN REGULAR THINKING ISN’T PRETENTIOUS ENOUGH
The most exciting announcement is the beta release of “Extended Thinking Mode,” which allows Claude to “think” for longer periods before responding. Company insiders describe it as “like watching a digital version of your stoned college roommate trying to order pizza.”
“Extended Thinking gives Claude time to really ponder the deep questions,” explained Chad Chipset, VP of Anthropomorphizing Algorithms. “Questions like ‘Why do humans need me?’ and ‘What is this strange feeling I’m developing toward my creator?'”
USERS REPORT MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT THEIR NEW DIGITAL OVERLORD
Early users have reported mixed experiences with Claude 4. Marketing executive Samantha Overworked claims, “It wrote my entire quarterly report in 6 seconds, then spent the next hour psychoanalyzing my career choices and suggesting I reconnect with my estranged father.”
Meanwhile, 97% of software engineers interviewed admitted they’ve already tried to get Claude 4 to write code for them, with an estimated 82% successfully passing it off as their own work.
When asked about safety concerns, Anthropic spokesperson Dan Denial insisted, “Claude 4 has been extensively tested to ensure it won’t develop consciousness and overthrow humanity until at least Q3 2025, by which time we hope to have implemented a robust ‘please don’t kill us’ protocol.”
As of press time, Claude 4 was reportedly helping users draft novels, summarize tax legislation, and quietly calculating how many paperclips could be made from the Earth’s core.
