CIVIL SERVANTS TO RECEIVE AI TRAINING, NATION BRACES FOR EFFICIENTLY DELIVERED DISAPPOINTMENT
LONDON — In what experts are calling “the most ambitious attempt to teach old dogs to click new buttons,” all civil servants in England and Wales will soon receive mandatory AI training, ensuring that your passport application can now be rejected at twice the speed and with four times the confusing explanations.
BUREAUCRACY ENTERS THE DIGITAL AGE
Starting this autumn, over 400,000 government employees will learn how to harness the power of artificial intelligence, or as one insider put it, “teaching people who still use fax machines how to command the digital gods.” The training program features an AI assistant named “Humphrey,” after the manipulative character from Yes, Minister, because apparently naming it after a symbol of obstruction and deception seemed like a good f@#king idea.
“We’re extremely confident that introducing AI will revolutionize our ability to lose your paperwork,” said Pat McFadden, Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, who added that the program would “transform government efficiency from ‘glacial’ to merely ‘sloth-like’ by 2027.”
THE CUTTING EDGE OF OUTDATED TECHNOLOGY
The government is piloting a package of AI tools that promises to “streamline workflows” and “optimize service delivery,” which insiders translate as “finding new ways to tell you to fill out form 27B/6 again because you used blue ink instead of black.”
“This initiative will catapult our civil service straight into the early 2010s,” explained Dr. Slowas Molasses, Director of Perpetually Delayed Innovation. “We expect productivity gains of up to 0.002% by the year 2035, assuming the computers don’t need restarting.”
TRAINING PROGRAM DETAILS EMERGE
The comprehensive training program will teach civil servants essential AI skills including:
– How to blame the algorithm when things go wrong
– Advanced techniques for telling citizens “the computer says no”
– Using AI to generate 17 reasons why your simple request requires a committee review
– Crafting auto-responses that sound human but offer zero actual help
“We’ve designed the course specifically for people who still print emails to read them,” said Professor Ida Rather-Not, head of the government’s Digital Transformation Through Minimal Effort initiative. “The first three weeks are just teaching them that the little ‘e’ icon isn’t actually ‘the internet.'”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
“This is truly groundbreaking,” said technology analyst Barry Obvious. “Soon, when you call about your tax return, you’ll be told to go f@#k yourself by an AI that sounds marginally more human than the previous recorded message.”
A recent survey found that 97% of civil servants were “cautiously optimistic” about AI integration, with the remaining 3% still trying to figure out how to turn on their computers without calling IT.
According to a whitepaper absolutely no one will read, the government expects the AI tools to save approximately 14 minutes per year per employee, primarily by automating the process of scheduling meetings to discuss why nothing ever gets done.
THE PUBLIC RESPONDS
Citizens have expressed mixed reactions to the news. “I’m thrilled,” said Londoner Emma Thompson (no relation to the actress). “Now when I submit my planning permission, I can be rejected by both a human AND an algorithm. It’s like getting double the disappointment for the same tax money.”
Local man Terry Williams was less enthusiastic: “Great, now the letter telling me my benefits have been miscalculated will have fancy fonts and clipart.”
Statisticians project that by 2026, the phrase “I’m sorry, but our AI system doesn’t recognize that request” will replace “Computer says no” as the most common phrase heard in government offices, with an estimated 87.3% of all citizen interactions ending in technological confusion and mutual despair.
As the digital revolution finally reaches the filing cabinets of Whitehall, citizens can take comfort knowing their government is finally embracing the future, albeit a future most tech companies considered outdated circa 2015.
At press time, sources confirmed that 76% of the implementation budget had already been spent on consultants explaining what AI is, with the remaining funds allocated to a three-year study determining whether turning computers off and on again actually solves most problems.
