CITY-DWELLING PSYCHOPATHS NOW SPEED-WALKING 15% FASTER TO AVOID HUMAN INTERACTION, STUDY CONFIRMS
Urban residents have evolved into caffeine-fueled blurs who would rather die than make accidental eye contact, according to shocking new research that confirms what we’ve all suspected: everyone has become a complete assh*le since 1980.
PEOPLE LITERALLY RUNNING FROM MEANINGFUL CONNECTIONS
MIT researchers, with apparently nothing better to do, analyzed decades-old footage of pedestrians and discovered that Americans now move through public spaces like they’re being chased by debt collectors, increasing their walking speed by a staggering 15% since the 1980s.
“Something has f@#king changed,” says Captain Obvious, also known as MIT professor Carlo Ratti. “People used to occasionally acknowledge each other’s existence. Now they’d rather walk into traffic than risk having to say hello to another human being.”
CONVERSATION NOW CONSIDERED COMMUNICABLE DISEASE
The study found that lingering in public spaces has decreased by 14%, as modern humans have apparently developed an allergic reaction to spontaneous social interaction. Experts believe this phenomenon is directly related to the invention of smartphones and the crippling anxiety that comes from not being able to stare at them every 2.7 seconds.
“Back in the ’80s, people actually looked at each other’s faces,” said Dr. Ima Boomer, 67, who specializes in yelling at clouds. “Now these young punks would rather urinate themselves than put down their pocket computers to speak with a stranger.”
THE STARBUCKSIFICATION OF AMERICA
Researchers suggest that the explosion of overpriced coffee establishments may explain why 5.5% of people used to join groups in public spaces in 1980, while only 2% do today.
“Why stand awkwardly on a street corner when you can spend $7.85 on a Venti Caramel Cloud Macchiato and stare at your laptop in silence for three hours?” explained social anthropologist Professor Caffeine Addict. “Public spaces are now just corridors between climate-controlled consumption pods.”
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAS CHANGED, EXCEPT EVERYTHING
The study did find one statistic that remained virtually identical: approximately 67% of people walked alone in 1980, compared to 68% today. Experts interpret this 1% increase as “statistically insignificant but emotionally devastating.”
“We’ve scientifically proven that people have always been kind of lonely, they’re just more efficient at it now,” said research assistant Dr. No Sh!t.
DIGITAL HELLSCAPE BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING
Scientists speculate that modern humans walk faster because they’re constantly late for Zoom meetings they scheduled too close together, while simultaneously attempting to respond to 47 unread text messages.
“In the ’80s, if someone wanted to reach you, they had to physically track you down like a wild animal or leave a message with your roommate who would definitely forget to tell you,” explained Dr. Nostalgia Bias. “Now we’re all essentially wearing electronic ankle monitors that buzz every time someone ‘likes’ a picture of our breakfast.”
THE DEATH OF SPONTANEITY
The researchers are now expanding their study to 40 European public squares, where they expect to find that even French people, who once spent hours lounging at cafés discussing philosophy and lighting cigarettes off each other’s cigarettes, now power-walk through the streets while aggressively ignoring one another.
“Our preliminary data suggests Europeans still move slower than Americans,” said international research coordinator Señor Walking Pants. “But that’s only because they’re trying to light cigarettes while texting and carrying baguettes.”
According to anonymous sources, the research team is already planning a follow-up study on why 99.7% of pedestrians now mutter “sorry” when they walk within six feet of another human, despite making no actual physical contact.
“The evidence is clear,” concluded Professor Ratti. “At our current trajectory, by 2050, humans will have evolved into blur-like creatures who move at approximately 37 mph through public spaces, have developed specialized eyelids that block peripheral vision, and communicate exclusively through food delivery apps.”
