TECH GIANT PROMISES TO FIX EUROPE’S SKILLS GAP WITH POWERPOINT PRESENTATIONS AND PRAYER
Cisco Vows to Make 1.5 Million Europeans Slightly Less Incompetent at Computers By 2030, Europe Still F@#ked
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM – In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of throwing a cup of water on a forest fire,” networking behemoth Cisco announced plans to train 1.5 million Europeans in tech skills that will probably be obsolete before they finish the training.
THE PLAN THAT ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ASKED FOR
The initiative, which Cisco executives presented with straight faces despite its laughable inadequacy, aims to transform regular Europeans into tech-savvy digital warriors through a series of online courses that most participants will abandon after the second module.
“We’re incredibly proud to announce this bold initiative that will allow us to check a corporate responsibility box while making absolutely zero structural impact on Europe’s catastrophic skills shortage,” said Cisco CEO Chuck Robbins, pausing briefly to high-five his PR team. “These 1.5 million people will receive training that ranges from ‘How To Turn A Computer On’ all the way to ‘Advanced Skills That Will Be Replaced By AI Next Tuesday.'”
EUROPE’S DIGITAL TRANSFORMATION OR WHATEVER
The European Union, currently trailing behind technological superpowers like the US and China by roughly seven centuries, welcomed Cisco’s announcement with the desperate enthusiasm of a drowning person grabbing at a floating paperclip.
“This partnership will definitely solve our massive technological inadequacies and not at all serve as a pathetic band-aid on the gaping wound that is our digital infrastructure,” said European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, while struggling to connect her laptop to the projector. “We’re absolutely confident that after completing a 6-hour online course, Europeans will be fully prepared to compete with engineers who’ve been coding since they were fetuses.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, THEN WEIGH OUT
Professor Blatant Truthsayer from the Institute of Obvious Conclusions notes that the initiative faces several challenges: “First, you need to convince Europeans to actually complete online training, which statistically has the same success rate as convincing cats to respect personal boundaries. Second, 1.5 million people is approximately 0.3% of Europe’s population. You do the f@#king math.”
Industry analyst Dr. Reality Check added, “By the time Cisco trains these people, we’ll all be communicating telepathically through brain chips installed by Elon Musk’s monkey surgeons.”
A CURRICULUM DESIGNED BY PEOPLE WHO THINK “THE CLOUD” IS WHERE RAIN COMES FROM
According to sources who wished to remain anonymous because they’re embarrassed to be associated with this initiative, the training curriculum includes such cutting-edge topics as:
“Introduction to Turning Your Computer Off and On Again When It Does That Weird Thing”
“Passwords: Why ‘12345’ Might Not Be Your Best Choice”
“Cybersecurity: Recognizing That Email From a ‘Nigerian Prince’ Might Not Be Legitimate”
“AI Ethics: Teaching Algorithms Not To Be Total D!ckheads”
“Digital Transformation: Taking All Your Bad Business Practices and Putting Them Online”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE AVERAGE EUROPEAN
For the typical EU citizen, this training opportunity presents a chance to become just competent enough to realize how incompetent they truly are in the grand scheme of technological advancement.
Recent studies show that 94.7% of Europeans still believe “the cloud” is where angels live, and 87.3% think “Python” is just a big snake. After Cisco’s training, these numbers are expected to improve to 92.4% and 84.1%, respectively.
“I’m really excited to learn how computers work,” said Hans Technophobe, a 42-year-old baker from Munich who still uses a Nokia phone from 2003. “Maybe afterward I can finally understand why my nephew keeps talking about something called ‘JavaScript’ and why he laughs when I ask if it’s related to coffee.”
As Cisco embarks on this noble mission to make Europeans marginally less terrible at technology, the rest of the world continues racing ahead with quantum computing, advanced AI, and robots that can perform surgery while composing poetry. But hey, at least 1.5 million Europeans will know how to reset their router by 2030.
