UNCLE SAM DEMANDS CUT OF CHIP PROFITS: “WE INVENTED CAPITALISM, PAY UP NERDS”
In an unprecedented move that redefines both “taxation” and “extortion,” the US government has ordered tech giants NVIDIA and AMD to hand over 15% of their China AI revenue directly to Washington’s coffers, essentially becoming the world’s most powerful and well-armed commission-based sales team.
PROTECTION MONEY WITH EXTRA STEPS
The Biden administration announced yesterday that tech companies must now pay what officials are definitely NOT calling a “sovereignty fee” on their Chinese business dealings. When pressed about the legal basis for this demand, White House spokesperson Janet Clearasday explained, “Look, we invented capitalism, democracy, and probably computers too. So technically, we’re just collecting royalties on our intellectual property.”
Industry insiders report that NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang received the news while practicing his leather jacket poses in a mirror, causing him to briefly malfunction and repeatedly whisper “but that’s OUR money” for seventeen consecutive minutes.
EXPERTS QUESTION EVERYTHING
“This is basically the geopolitical equivalent of your dad saying ‘as long as you live under my roof’ but to trillion-dollar corporations,” explains Dr. Capitalism Isbroken, Professor of International Shakedowns at Harvard’s School of Just Making Sh!t Up Now. “The US government has effectively created a new business model: ‘Nice global semiconductor monopoly you’ve got there. Would be a shame if someone were to… regulate it.'”
A leaked memo from AMD headquarters simply read: “F@#k, f@#k, f@#kity f@#k” followed by crude drawings of dollar signs with wings flying toward Uncle Sam’s hat.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON WHO DOESN’T CARE ABOUT CHIPS UNLESS THEY’RE POTATO-BASED
Absolutely nothing, unless you count the existential dread of realizing that countries now treat corporations like divorced parents fighting over who gets the kids on weekends. The average consumer can expect zero benefits, while seeing the price of everything with a microchip in it mysteriously rise by exactly 15%.
According to completely fabricated statistics from the International Institute of Making Numbers Sound Legitimate, this new “chip tax” will generate enough revenue to fund approximately 2.7 unnecessary military submarines or 0.004% of national healthcare.
Chinese officials responded by announcing plans to develop their own semiconductor industry “with blackjack and hookers,” according to one translator who may have been watching Futurama during the press conference.
THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKET JUST FLIPPED EVERYONE OFF
When questioned about the ethics of forcing private companies to essentially become tax collectors for geopolitical grudge matches, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly laughed for six straight minutes before saying, “Wait, you think this is new? That’s adorable.”
The 15% “sovereignty fee” goes into effect next month, though Washington insiders suggest it might increase to 20% if anyone complains too loudly or if the Pentagon spots something shiny they want to buy.
In related news, NVIDIA stock somehow rose 12% on the announcement, proving once again that nothing makes sense and the entire economy is just a collective hallucination we’ve all agreed to participate in.
