CHINA UNVEILS “WE’RE THE NICE ONES NOW” AI STRATEGY WHILE SECRETLY ORDERING 50 MILLION ROBOT SOLDIERS
In a move that has geopolitical experts absolutely sh!tting themselves with confusion, China just released its revolutionary “Let’s All Be Friends” AI action plan, a document so cooperative and friendly that American officials are frantically checking if it’s April Fool’s Day in Beijing.
BEIJING SUDDENLY DISCOVERS THE POWER OF SHARING
Just days after the United States declared its intent to “dominate the f@#k out of AI” with a strategy that essentially amounts to “America First, Everyone Else Can Eat Silicon,” China has shocked the world by proposing international cooperation, open-source development, and helping developing nations – you know, all those communist values we’ve come to expect from a surveillance state.
Premier Li Qiang, while definitely NOT standing in front of a backdrop of facial recognition cameras, proposed a global AI cooperation body, warning against AI becoming an “exclusive game” for certain countries. This from the nation that literally built a Great Firewall to keep information in and out of the country.
“China has always believed in sharing,” explained Dr. Obvious Propaganda, head of the Ministry of Completely Truthful International Relations. “Just look at how generously we’ve shared our facial recognition technology with our citizens. Whether they wanted it or not!”
AMERICA CAUGHT WITH PANTS DOWN, SCRAMBLING TO LOOK MENACING AGAIN
The Biden administration, which just last week unveiled its “We’re Number One, Suck It Losers” AI strategy, is reportedly in crisis mode trying to understand how China suddenly positioned itself as the reasonable adult in the room.
“This is not how this was supposed to go,” sobbed one White House official who requested anonymity because they’re currently having an existential breakdown. “We’re supposed to be the good guys. We even had t-shirts made that say ‘America: Less Evil Than China Since 1776’!”
A hastily assembled team of State Department officials is now working around the clock to determine if cooperation might actually be a viable strategy or if it’s just some kind of elaborate trap.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS UNPRECEDENTED REVERSAL
“It’s like watching your school bully suddenly invite everyone to his birthday party and promise to share his toys,” explains Professor Idon Tcare from the Institute of Obvious International Relations Observations. “You’re pretty sure he’s still going to steal your lunch money on Monday, but damn if you don’t want that party favor bag.”
According to completely made-up statistics, 87% of global policy experts are experiencing severe cognitive dissonance, while the remaining 13% are too busy laughing hysterically to form coherent thoughts.
DEVELOPING NATIONS CAUGHT IN MIDDLE, UNSURE WHICH TECH OVERLORD TO WORSHIP
Meanwhile, developing nations around the world are suddenly finding themselves in the unexpected position of being courted by both superpowers.
“Yesterday we couldn’t get America to return our calls,” said one African diplomat who requested anonymity. “Today they’re offering us AI systems, infrastructure, and what appears to be a fruit basket with a threatening note that says ‘Choose wisely’.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE AVERAGE HUMAN WHO JUST WANTS CHATGPT TO WRITE THEIR EMAILS
For regular people who just want AI to handle their spreadsheets and craft passive-aggressive work emails, this geopolitical chess match means absolutely nothing in the short term. But experts suggest you should probably start learning Mandarin anyway, just to cover your bases.
“At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter which country’s algorithm Americans is making decisions about your life,” explained tech analyst Reely Pessimistic. “What matters is that neither of them gives a sh!t about your privacy.”
In related news, Meta announced it has hired ex-OpenAI scientist Shengjia Zhao to lead its Superintelligence Labs, confirming once again that Silicon Valley’s idea of innovation is just hiring people from your competitors at increasingly obscene salaries.
CHINA’S NEXT MOVE: PANDA DIPLOMACY, BUT WITH ROBOTS
As we go to press, sources indicate China’s next phase in its AI charm offensive will involve sending adorable robot pandas to foreign dignitaries, each one capable of writing poetry, solving climate change, and only occasionally transmitting conversations back to Beijing.
