China Commences Groundbreaking Government Investigation Into Familiar Concept Known As “Business”
In an unsurprising move that has experts nodding in unison while biting their tongues to suppress yawns, the People’s Republic of China announced an investigation into NVIDIA, a company widely renowned for its revolutionary AI chips and, apparently, its extreme affinity for capitalism—a concept as rare in China as ducks in a pond. The investigation comes hot on the heels of China’s conditional approval of NVIDIA’s acquisition of hitherto unheard of Mellanox in 2020, back when people were still hitting elbows instead of each other.
“China might have ‘approved’ the acquisition, but it’s like when your mom tells you, ‘Sure, you can go out,’ but she’s standing at the door with a stopwatch and a pepper spray,” snickered Zhang SilentlyJudgingYou, an officially unofficial government representative with a talent for stating the obvious and pointing out the absurd.
This landmark investigation purports that NVIDIA may have—shocker—leaned too far into the “monopoly” zone, a zone familiar to many companies who enjoy being fabulously wealthy. Insiders, who are definitely not in hiding from the wrath of corporate overlords, suggest that NVIDIA sang the classic international business hymn: “Who cares about rules if you’re selling cool chips?”
“NVIDIA has taken the ‘innovate till you drop’ mantra seriously—it’s just that we want them to drop within the cages we set up for them,” said Yao Regulaenforcer, who apparently moonlights as an artist, sculpting red tape into beautiful, abstract barriers.
Meanwhile, naive AI fans worldwide are reportedly shocked (shocked!) to find out that the tech industry plays by their own rules—a sector where rhetoric and regulations are as flexible as a gymnast in a yoga class. Many Chinese citizens responded to the news with a well-practiced nod and a sigh, reminding everyone that businesses, much like cats, do whatever they want until halted by a spray bottle labeled “government oversight.”
As China dives deeper into what they’re calling a “radical introspection industry tactic,” one thing is abundantly clear: We can expect the announcement of a thrilling new reality show—’Keeping Up with the Compliance Checks.’ In the meantime, NVIDIA will continue to dazzle the world with its AI chips in one hand while sheepishly clutching a book titled “How to Play Nice Under Surveillance” in the other.
