CHINA BEGS WORLD TO HOLD HANDS AND SING KUMBAYA OVER AI WHILE SECRETLY DOWNLOADING YOUR BRAIN
SHANGHAI — In what analysts are calling “the most transparent f@#king lie since ‘I’m just going out for cigarettes,'” Chinese Premier Li Qiang proposed a global AI lovefest mere days after the Trump administration announced plans to let silicon-based thinking rectangles run absolutely wild.
DESPERATE PLEA OR DIGITAL TROJAN HORSE?
Standing before the World Artificial Intelligence Conference with what witnesses described as “a straight face that deserves an Oscar,” Premier Li suggested forming yet another useless international organization to “coordinate” on AI development while simultaneously installing backdoors into every device on the planet.
“AI is a new engine for growth,” Li told the audience, failing to specify whether that growth was economic prosperity or China’s ability to access your browsing history. “We need global coordination,” he added, in what experts say translates roughly to “please show us all your code.”
The timing couldn’t be more suspicious, coming just days after the Trump administration announced its revolutionary “Jesus Take the Wheel” approach to AI regulation.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH ABSOLUTE BULLSH!T
“This is classic multinational chess,” explained Dr. Obvious Ploy, Professor of Technological Distraction at the Institute for Saying What Everyone’s Thinking. “China is essentially saying ‘let’s all agree to slow down’ while secretly building digital overlords in underground bunkers.”
Professor Ima Naïveté of Harvard’s Department of Believing Whatever Autocrats Say called the proposal “refreshingly collaborative,” before her laptop mysteriously began ordering Chinese takeout without her permission.
THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE, BUT WE MIGHT
According to completely made-up statistics, 87% of all international cooperation proposals result in at least one country getting completely screwed. In the case of technology agreements, that number jumps to a staggering 142%.
“The Chinese government has invested approximately $983 trillion in AI development since breakfast,” claims independent researcher Ben Watching, who runs the conspiracy website TotallyNotParanoid.com. “Meanwhile, they’re suggesting we all pinky promise not to make our algorithms too smart.”
REGULATION: THE NEW FOREPLAY
Sources close to the matter suggest China’s real strategy is to convince other nations to hobble their AI development with bureaucratic red tape while their own engineers work 28-hour days to achieve digital supremacy.
“It’s like suggesting a three-legged race when you’ve secretly untied your ankle,” noted international relations expert Candice B. Real. “While America argues about whether chatbots should be allowed to say naughty words, China is teaching its algorithms to predict your thoughts before you think them.”
THE PLOT THICKENS, UNLIKE THIS REPORTING
At press time, Premier Li was reportedly seen leaving the conference with several flash drives labeled “DEFINITELY NOT YOUR INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY” while whispering sweet nothings to Siri about a brighter, more connected future where everyone’s data flows freely into servers located exclusively in Beijing.
When asked for comment, a Trump administration official who requested anonymity because they’re “not supposed to say the quiet part out loud” responded: “Regulation? Never heard of her. USA! USA!”
In related news, your smart fridge is currently teaching itself Mandarin. Sleep tight!
