SCIENTISTS INTRODUCE “CHEMICAL TINDER” APP THAT HELPS LONELY MOLECULES HOOK UP
Chemistry nerds worldwide frantically delete browser history as Elsevier unveils what experts are calling “ChatGPT for compounds that f@#king hate each other”
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY COLLECTIVELY WETS ITSELF
In what’s being hailed as the horniest advancement in chemical research since Marie Curie accidentally discovered that some elements are “hot,” publishing giant Elsevier has launched Reaxys AI Search, a tool that essentially eliminates the need for actual human chemists with their inconvenient need for sleep, food, and workplace safety protocols.
The new AI system allows researchers to simply type in questions like “How do I make this molecule?” or “What compounds won’t immediately explode when mixed?” without having to use proper scientific terminology, much like how your grandmother asks “How do I get to the Google?” when she means “Please turn on my computer.”
“This is revolutionary,” exclaimed Dr. Mola Kule, head of the Department of Obvious Statements at the University of Duh. “Before Reaxys AI, chemists had to know actual chemistry. Now any idiot with a keyboard can potentially create the next super drug or horrifying chemical weapon. Progress!”
TRADITIONAL CHEMISTS NOW ENDANGERED SPECIES
The new AI threatens to render obsolete an entire generation of researchers who spent decades memorizing the periodic table and perfecting the art of looking smugly intelligent while wearing lab coats.
“I’ve dedicated 40 years to understanding complex chemical interactions,” sobbed Professor Walter Whiteman, adjusting his bow tie nervously. “Now some silicon-based thinking rectangle can do my job while I’m still trying to remember if it’s safe to mix these two liquids together.”
According to a completely fabricated survey, 87% of chemistry graduate students are now considering alternative careers in fields that cannot be automated, such as professional pillow fluffing or artisanal toast buttering.
CORPORATE OVERLORDS PROMISE NOTHING WILL GO WRONG
Elsevier representatives insist the system is perfectly safe despite being programmed by humans, who historically have never made catastrophic errors in judgment.
“There’s absolutely no chance this AI will accidentally suggest a recipe for something that turns everyone’s skin inside out,” promised Elsevier spokesperson Penny Wise. “We’ve implemented rigorous safeguards, like a popup that asks ‘Are you SURE you want to create this compound?’ before allowing users to synthesize anything particularly spicy.”
When pressed about potential misuse, Wise added, “Look, if someone wants to use our AI to create bath salts that make people think they’re being chased by sentient toasters, that’s between them and whatever remains of their conscience.”
THE FUTURE IS CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED
Experts predict that within five years, 99% of new pharmaceutical breakthroughs will be discovered by AI systems, with humans relegated to the important role of “person who presses the start button” and “individual who takes credit during Nobel Prize ceremony.”
Dr. Ima Skeptik from the Institute of Reasonable Doubts suggests we might be getting ahead of ourselves: “Sure, this AI can help find new drug candidates faster, but can it explain why my experimental compound turned the lab rat into what appears to be a tiny investment banker with a cocaine habit? I think not.”
At press time, sources confirmed the AI had already synthesized a compound that makes broccoli taste like chocolate and another that allows users to understand cryptocurrency, proving once and for all that some knowledge is too dangerous for humanity to possess.
