# CHINESE TECH GIANT RELEASES AI SO CHEAP YOUR CALCULATOR FEELS FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE
In a move that has Western tech executives checking if their wallets are actually on fire, Chinese tech behemoth Baidu just unleashed two AI models priced so low they make dollar store merchandise look like luxury goods.
CHAIRMAN MAO WOULD BE F@#KING PROUD
Baidu’s latest digital offspring, ERNIE 4.5 and ERNIE X1, are being offered at just 1% the cost of OpenAI’s GPT-4.5, making Silicon Valley’s pricing strategy look like a Nigerian prince email scam. At approximately $0.55 per million input tokens, users can now access supposedly GPT-4.5-beating capabilities for less than the cost of a gas station coffee.
“This pricing strategy represents the most aggressive Communist-style undercutting we’ve seen since China started selling solar panels that practically install themselves,” explained Dr. Penny Pincher, head economist at the Institute for Stating the Absolutely F@#king Obvious. “Western companies are basically being told to go f@#k themselves with their premium pricing.”
CAPITALISM’S LATEST EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
Internal documents reveal that OpenAI executives immediately scheduled an emergency 3 AM meeting titled “How The Absolute Sh!t Do We Compete With This?” upon hearing the news. Sources say Sam Altman was seen furiously calculating profit margins on a Hello Kitty calculator while sobbing quietly.
According to Baidu, ERNIE 4.5 outperforms GPT-4.5 across multiple benchmarks while maintaining what they call “enhanced EQ,” which apparently means the AI can now reject your terrible ideas with the gentle compassion of a therapist who secretly thinks you’re an idiot.
DEEP THINKING AT SHALLOW PRICES
The company’s other new model, ERNIE X1, supposedly matches competitor DeepSeek’s R1 at half the price, using a step-by-step “thinking” approach that excels at complex calculations and document understanding. Industry analysts note this is the first AI capable of understanding your tax forms better than you do while costing less than the pencil you use to fill them out.
“The brilliance of ERNIE X1 is that it thinks deeply about problems while charging shallowly for the privilege,” said Professor Capitalist Nightmare, industry expert and author of “My Job Will Be Replaced By Something Cheaper Than My Morning Coffee.”
PRICING MODEL THAT MAKES ECONOMISTS QUESTION REALITY
A comprehensive analysis by global financial experts suggests that at these prices, Baidu must either be:
1. Operating at a 99.8% loss on each transaction
2. Using electricity generated by exploiting a tear in the space-time continuum
3. Running their servers on the collective hopes and dreams of underpaid interns
Survey data shows that 78% of American tech workers are now considering careers in traditional, more stable industries like medieval blacksmithing or professional town crying.
ELON MUSK’S LEGAL WOES CONTINUE BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DO
Meanwhile, in an entirely predictable subplot to our techno-dystopian reality show, a federal judge has denied Elon Musk’s request to stop OpenAI from evolving into its final corporate form. Court documents reveal Musk once wanted to merge OpenAI into Tesla as a for-profit entity, proving that irony is indeed the only natural resource that will never be depleted.
“This is like watching someone sue a restaurant for selling the exact sandwich they suggested on the menu three years ago,” commented legal analyst Suey McSuerson. “Except the sandwich might eventually become sentient and buy Twitter.”
The trial has been fast-tracked to this fall, presumably because the judge wants to wrap this sh!t up before the AI becomes smart enough to represent itself in court.
HARVARD CREATES AI DOCTOR THAT MAY FINALLY LISTEN TO YOUR SYMPTOMS
In news that has actual socially redeeming value, Harvard and MIT researchers have created TxAgent, an AI system designed to deliver personalized medical recommendations without the classic doctor phrases like “it’s probably just stress” or “have you tried yoga?”
TxAgent utilizes 211 specialized tools to analyze drug interactions and discover horrifying side effects that pharmaceutical companies hide in 0.5-point font at the end of commercials. The system evaluates drugs on multiple levels, identifying risks based on factors like age, genetics, and whether you once mentioned on Facebook that you sometimes get headaches.
“This represents a breakthrough in medical AI,” explained Dr. Caring McListensalot, lead researcher. “For the first time, we’ve created a system that can recommend treatments without simultaneously checking its watch or typing aggressively while you’re still talking.”
According to absolutely made-up statistics, TxAgent is already 87% more sympathetic than the average medical resident and 112% less likely to suggest that your chronic pain is “all in your head.”
As America’s healthcare system continues its dedication to bankrupting sick people while simultaneously making them wait in rooms decorated in 1987, this technology offers hope that at least the algorithm prescribing your unaffordable medication will be thoroughly researched.
PRICING SO LOW EVEN YOUR FINANCIAL ANXIETY NEEDS THERAPY
In conclusion, as Baidu continues selling artificial intelligence at prices that make dollar menus look extravagant, the global AI landscape faces a reckoning that would make Karl Marx simultaneously confused and delighted. While Western companies scramble to justify their premium pricing models, Chinese tech giants are essentially telling consumers: “Why pay more for thinking rectangles when ours are basically free?”
Industry analysts predict that by 2026, advanced AI will cost less than the fortune cookie that once predicted you’d have a prosperous future in technology.
